It Would Be You
by AllBeautyDestroyed
Summary: I was a mess. I didn't want to pull her into my madness but it was too late. I hope someday she can forgive me.
1. I Hurt Myself Today

**A/N: This is my newest story. It's going to get very dark very fast. There are some things that will happen in this story that may be triggering for some people. Please don't read if you're affected by imagery that includes drug abuse or self harm. Im going to approach these subjects from a very real and painful angle. Read at your own risk. **

I tried so hard to ignore it. I grumbled when I realized that this battle was never going to be won, at least not by me. I got up and silenced the alarm. Summer was over and the school year was starting. I made my way into the shower and stood there as the hot water cascaded down my toned body. The only good things about school were basketball and girls. I grinned as I thought about the latter. Not just any girls, freshmen girls. Naive and stupid, easy pickings.

I pulled on a pair of ripped black skinny jeans followed by a vintage v-neck band tee. I grabbed a leather jacket and pulled on a pair of boots. Once I was satisfied with my appearance, I put on my usual set of rings and bracelets and went downstairs. As usual my dad was sitting at the table drinking coffee and reading the paper.

"Good morning." He said as I sat and joined him.

"Morning pops." I replied. "Anything interesting?" I asked pointing at the paper.

"Not really. Just the usual." He sighed. "Can you promise to behave yourself today?" He asked.

"Of course." I grinned..

Once I finished breakfast, I grabbed my skateboard and headed out the door. As I rolled down the sidewalk I placed my earbuds in my ears and turned on my iPod. I sang along as I skated to school. When I arrived I continued to sing along to to the music. I was currently listening to "Violence" by Blink-182. People smiled and waved as I passed by. Once I spotted my friends, I took out the earbuds and picked up my skateboard.

"Hey fuckers!" I said as I approached the three boys and one girl.

"Dem!" Joe said as he gave me a fist bump.

"Bring your fine ass over her and hug me!" Miley smiled.

I smiled and hugged her tightly. "I missed you!" I said to the short haired blonde.

"Mmm hmmm." Miley replied.

"It's that magical time of the year!" Nick said as he pointed out a group of freshman girls.

"Daaaaaaamn!" Matt said as pulled off his sunglasses. "They get hotter every year."

"Where the fuck is Taylor?" I asked as I glanced around the campus.

"She texted me earlier. She said she'd be here a little later than usual. A friend of hers from another school transferred so I guess she's showing her around or something."

"She's such a fucking nerd." I said as i rolled my eyes."Anyway, let the games begin." I smirked.

We spent the next 30 minutes cat calling and hitting on every single girl that passed by, especially the freshmen.

"Oh shit! Look its Taylor." Miley said pointing across the courtyard.

"Who the hell does she have with her?" Nick asked as he stared in their direction.

"I don't know. But she's mine." I informed the group. I smiled as Taylor walked toward us with a beautiful, tall dark haired girl in tow.

"Dem." Taylor smiled. "I want you to meet someone."

I couldn't take my eyes off her. I looked her up and down and made no effort to disguise what I was doing. I could tell by the girls annoyed sigh that she knew what I was up to. I proceeded to turn around and hold my hands up to Joe. "She's a fucking ten" I mouthed to him.

"Here we go..." Taylor muttered. "Demi." She said snapping her fingers. "We're over here. This is Selena." She said raising her eyebrow.

I gave her a mischievous grin. "Did it hurt." I asked the dark haired girl.

"What?" Selena responded scrunching up her eyebrows. She was confused.

"When you fell from heaven!" I chuckled giving her an over exaggerated wink.

"Oh Jesus." Taylor sighed. "I'm sorry." She said giving Selena an apologetic look.

"You think you're adorable don't you?" Selena asked.

"Nope. That's your job."

"Demi. Stop being douchey!" Taylor scolded.

"Aww come on Tay?" I whined. "I'm just playin."

"You're right. This is exactly what you warned me about." Selena said to Taylor.

"Really?" I questioned.

"Yes." Selena answered curtly.

"Oh come on. You don't even know me." I scoffed.

"I don't need to."

"Are you mad you only got a ten? Look, I only gave you a ten because I didn't have anymore fingers. You would've scored much higher if my physical handicap of only having ten digits didn't interfere." I explained with a grin.

"You're absolutely ridiculous." Selena said crossing her arms.

"Hi. I'm Joe." The dark haired boy interrupted.

"And I'm not interested." Selena responded with a tight smile.

"Oh shit!" Matt exclaimed. "You just got shut down bro!"

"Ouch." I grimaced.

"I'll see you around." Selena said as she walked away with Taylor.

"What a bitch." Miley said once they were out of earshot.

"I like her." I said as I watched them walk away. I tilted my head to the side and bit my lip piercing. The sway of her hips nearly gave me a heart attack. "I like her a lot."

"Frosty the snow bitch ain't ever gonna hook up with you." Miley drawled. "In fact, she probably got cobwebs and skeletons all up in her vagina. Ain't no one getting in that shit."

"Five hundred bucks says I'll fuck her by the end of the week." I challenged.

"You're on Torres." Miley said shaking my hand.

"This should be good." Joe laughed.

"You have to send me a pic of the two of you in bed as proof." Miley added.

"Not a problem." I smirked.

The bell rang signaling the start of class. We all went our separate ways. I pulled out my phone and sent a text. I was surprised when I immediately received a response. I made my way down to the basement classrooms to meet up with Adam.

"Hey bro." I said greeting him with our usual handshake. "Got the stuff?" I asked.

"You know it." He answered showing me the package.

"Sweet." I replied.

"Got the cash?" He asked.

"Always." I said as I handed over the wad of money.

He took it and handed me the bag. "Your usual." He said. "You went through the last round pretty fast. You straight?" He asked.

"Yeah. I'm cool." I answered.

"Alright. I'll see you next time." He said as he zipped up his backpack and walked away.

I examined the bag of cocaine briefly before stuffing it in my pants pocket. I made my way upstairs toward the restrooms. I went inside and ensured they were empty before locking the door. I pulled out the drugs and quickly cut three lines on the bathroom counter. I pulled out a dollar bill, rolled it up and snorted the powder. Once I finished, I wiped away the residue and left the bathroom.

I walked into class and found a seat in the back. I was going to lose my mind having to sit still for the next hour. I slouched into my seat and leaned my head against the back of the chair. I couldn't stop my foot from tapping. I glanced over toward the door when I heard it open. Selena entered the classroom and sat in the chair next to mine. It was the only empty seat. I grinned at her and she ignored me.

Absentmindedly, I pushed the sleeves of my jacket up revealing my tattooed forearms. I saw Selena glance at my tattoos and smile.

"Do you see something you like?" I said in a low whisper.

"No." She answered without looking at me.

"I can show you more if you like." I teased.

"Never going to happen." She said rolling her eyes. "Be quiet, I'm trying to pay attention."

I grinned at her an she ignored me.

Once class was over I jumped out of me chair and left the room. I made another pit stop at the bathrooms to do a couple more bumps. I was startled when I ran into Haley as I left the bathroom.

"S-sorry." She stammered as she picked her books up off the ground.

"It's ok." I said as I kneeled down to help her.

The second she realized it was me, she became hostile. "I thought I told you to stay away from me." She said angrily.

"Haley. It's a school restroom. I can't really help it." I sighed.

"You missed a spot." She said smashing her finger against my nose as she walked past me and slammed the door on a bathroom stall.

I reached up and wiped at my nose before quickly glancing in the mirror. Once I was certain there were no traces of the drugs, I left the bathroom. I had to get away from her. My heart felt heavy and the guilt washed over me in waves. I was terrible to her. I'm surprised we lasted as long as we did. In the end she walked away. I was a sinking ship and I would've taken her down with me. She knew all my secrets and if we're being completely honest, I was terrified she would tell them.

Once school finished I headed to the locker rooms to get changed for practice. As usual, people hung around to watch me change. It was quite humorous to me. It was amazing how many girls claimed to be straight until they weren't. It was the same story every time. I'd randomly hook up with a chick and she would ask me not to tell her boyfriend. Completely hilarious. In any case, I was slightly shocked to see Selena again. I should have guessed she'd be a cheerleader. She seemed bitchy enough. I was feeling mischievous so I decided to stop and say hi.

"Dem!" Taylor smiled as she gave me a hug.

I lifted her up and spun her around. "Hey babe."

"Hi Selena." I said casually. I made sure to seem as uninterested in her as possible.

"You coming to Matt's party this weekend?" I asked Taylor.

"Yeah. I'll be there." She answered.

"What about you?" I asked Selena.

"Umm. I don't think I was invited and..."

"I'm inviting you now." I interrupted. "You gonna be there?" I asked as I stared at her chest.

"Ok. First of all, my eyes are up here." He said as she lifted my chin with her finger. "Second, I don't like you. So no, I won't be going."

"Perfect." I answered with a smile. "I don't like you either."

"Will the two of you please stop it?" Taylor begged.

"Ok. I'm sorry." I sighed.

"You should be." Selena mumbled.

"Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears?" I asked her.

"No."

I pulled out the pockets of my gym shorts. "Would you like to?" I smirked.

"Oh my fucking god!" She exclaimed. "You are so rude!"

"Demi!" Taylor snapped. "Seriously?" She said as she watched Selena walk away.

"She's a bitch!" I said holding my hands up.

"Well you're being a dick!" Taylor shot back. "Why do you do that?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"Whatever. I'll see you later. I've got practice and so do you."

"Oh come on Tay." I whined.

"No. You come on." She said as she walked away.

I know she was angry with me. She was one of the few people that I have ever opened up completely too. She knew me inside and out. She knew that all my cockiness was just a front to keep people at a distance. Haley was the only other person I ever let get close to me, and she hates me now.

I put every ounce of energy I had into practice. I was still pretty wired from all the coke I had done earlier. I waited in the gym until everyone else had left. Once I was sure everyone had gone home, I made my way back to the locker room and took a shower. I peeled off my sweaty clothes and let the hot water wash away the grime. I turned off the water and made my way over to my locker. I pulled out the coke and did a couple more lines. I dried off and got dressed and headed outside.

I saw her sitting on the steps in front of the school as I passed by. She looked a bit concerned since it was dark and I noticed she was alone.

"You alright?" I asked.

She jumped a little. "Jesus! You scared me." She breathed. "Yeah. My Mom is running late."

"I could wait with you if you like. People don't usually mess with me. Tattoos and piercings are scary I suppose."

"Mmm. You sure it doesn't have anything to do with how ridiculously ripped you are?" She smiled.

"Oh. Would you look at that. She's being nice." I teased.

"For now." She said as she looked up at me. "Until you start with all your bullshit again." She added.

"Fair enough." I said as I walked up next to her. "May I?" I asked before sitting down.

"Sure." She answered shifting away slightly.

"I don't bite...much." I said with a grin.

"Taylor told me all about you. I don't think you're as tough as you want people to think." She stated as she poked at her fingernails.

"Am I making you nervous?" I asked her which caused her to blush slightly.

"No. I'm just a little shy and I don't know you at all, so this is kind of awkward for me." She explained.

"I can sit here and shut up if you'd like. I just didn't want you to wait out here in the dark all alone. People are crazy." I said as I glanced around.

"This is actually very sweet of you." She said softly.

I just shrugged in response.

"What's your deal anyway?" She asked.

"My deal?"

"Yeah. All the tattoos and piercings and the huge attitude. What's all that about?"

"It's just me. Take or leave it." I answered.

"I think there's more to you."

"Is that so?" I asked.

"Yeah." She smiled shyly as she averted my gaze.

"I don't think you're as innocent as you make people think you are." I said to her.

"You'll just have to wait and find out." She said softly.

An there it was. She started flirting. I was one step closer to being five hundred dollars richer. I needed that money. I had a habit that was getting more and more expensive as time went on. She would be a means to an end. I hated myself so much. She was beautiful on the surface and as I sat and talked to her, I could say the same about the things you can't see. She had no idea that she was about to get used in one of the worst possible ways.

Her mom finally arrived to pick her up. She offered to take me home but I declined. A walk would do me some good. I was trying to figure out why I was having difficulty with what I was going to do to this girl. I didn't believe in love at first sight. It was absurd. You can't love someone that you just met. There was something about her that got under my skin.

By the time I made it home my dad was already in bed. I was slightly relieved. I didn't really feel like dealing with all his questions. You'd think he'd learn to stop by now. I never answered any of them anyway. He was so nosey. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and the pitcher of water. My hands were shaking as I poured the liquid into the cup. I almost made a mess everywhere. I sat the pitcher down and reached into my pocket. I pulled out the small bag and dumped the contents on the counter.

I laid on my back in the bathroom and realized that I was completely numb. I didn't feel anything anymore. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small knife. I unfolded the blade and stared at the sharp metal edges. The only thing running through my mind, I bet I could feel that. I was having difficulty silencing all the voices. I wanted peace. I drug the blade across my forearm and sucked in a deep breathe. I could definitely feel that. I did it again and again, until I was surrounded by silence.


	2. I Will Let You Down

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing. This story will get progressively darker and probably violent as it progresses, please don't read if those types of things disturb you (violence, drugs, etc.). I cut this chapter in half, so I apologize if its not as long as you guys would like.**

I woke up the next day still laying on the bathroom floor. I had a pounding headache and my arm was throbbing. I was immediately alarmed by the blood I saw everywhere. I looked at my arm slightly confused. I don't even remember doing it. The scabbed over cuts looked foreign to me. My fingers trembled as I touched each of the marks carved into my arm. I felt like I had reached a whole level of insanity. None of it made sense. Why the fuck would I do this? Was I that out of it? I picked up my phone and sent Taylor a text. I needed her to come over and help me. It didn't matter what time it was. She would come. She responded immediately. Ten minutes later I heard her knocking on my door.

I opened the door to see her standing there with a worried look on her face.

"Demi, what's wrong?" She asked as soon as I opened the door.

"Come inside." I said grabbing her hand and pulling her through the doorway.

"What's going on?" She asked again.

I pushed the sleeves of my flannel shirt up revealing the slash marks on my arm. I hadn't cleaned them up yet, they looked terrible. She gasped and covered her mouth with her hands.

"Who did this?" She asked.

I shrugged. "I think it was me." I answered.

The fear that registered on her face shot ice through my bones. I watched as it quickly changed to anger.

"You're using again aren't you?" She accused. "Demi. You promised me." Her voice cracked.

"I'm sorry..."

"Where is it!" She interrupted as she turned away from me and headed upstairs.

I followed her up as soon as I heard things crashing and bumping around. She was searching my room. I watched as she threw things out of my drawers and looked through everything. She looked completely panicked.

"It's gone Tay." I said softly. "I used it all."

"How much?" She asked.

"It doesn't matter." I sighed.

"I am so angry right now." She said as her bottom lip trembled. She was struggling to hold back tears. "This is not ok."

I didn't say anything. There wasn't really anything I could say. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom. She put the lid down on the toilet and told me to sit. I listened. I watched as she pulled a first aid kit out of the medicine cabinet and sorted through the contents until she found what she needed. She cleaned up each of the cuts on my arm and wrapped it in gauze. The tension that radiated from her body was almost unbearable.

"You can't keep hurting yourself like this Demi."

"I told you, I don't have any idea why I did this" I said as I held up my bandaged arm.

"That's not what I'm talking about. It's a part of it but I'm talking about the drugs. What are you using? Cocaine?" She asked.

I nodded in response.

"How long?" She asked.

"I never actually stopped." I answered as I ran my hand through my hair.

She looked completely shocked and hurt. I know she felt betrayed. I had been lying her to since she found out about my problem. It wasn't like I meant to lie, it just sort of happened. I wanted to stop but I simply couldn't. Instead, I made sure that I ate and continued to work out. I took all my usual supplements and I honestly looked healthy and normal. No one could tell the difference. I was getting good at hiding it. My sleeping patterns however were completely fucked up and I would crash for days at a time. Over the summer it wasn't an issue, I knew that it was going to catch up to me during the school year.

"I'm not going to sit here and watch you slowly kill yourself Demi. I can't and I won't. I'm telling your dad." She said sadly.

"No!" I blurted out. "Please don't. I'll stop. I swear to god I'll stop. Please Tay. He can't know. It will kill him."

"I can't trust you Demi. Clearly." She said crossing her arms.

"You can. I mean it Tay. Look at me." I said holding her face in my hands. "I promise you. Never again."

I knew that those words were a lie the second they left my lips. I also knew she would believe me. What she didn't know, was this would be the last time I would come to her when things got bad. It was for the better anyway.

"Ok." She whispered. "This is your last chance Demi, I mean it." She warned.

"I'm yours forever." I smiled. "And you're mine." I added as I hugged her tightly. "I love you Tay."

"I love you too." She said softly. "Get ready for school."

The first half of school was mostly uneventful. I felt slow and sluggish. I couldnt really focus either. By the time lunch rolled around, I was completely exhausted. I grabbed some lunch and headed over to sit with Taylor and the rest of my friends. I was surprised to see Selena had opted to join us. I figured she would have been sitting with the rest of the cheerleaders. Taylor never did, but she's always played by her own rules anyway. Selena seemed like more of a conformist. Easily herded with the rest of sheep. I was very intrigued by her.

"Speak of the devil." Selena smirked as I sat down.

"You shouldn't refer to yourself in the third person." I teased.

"We were just discussing your sunny disposition and charming personality." Joe grinned.

"I bet." I said rolling my eyes. "All y'all are assholes." I laughed.

"Taylor tells me you're pretty talented." Selena said in an attempt to start conversation.

"You have no idea." I grinned.

"Umm, musically." She said biting her bottom lip and smiling.

"Oh I see. I thought maybe you were talking about something else. You were staring at my hands after all."

She covered her mouth and laughed. "You've got to stop." She smiled. "You're killing me."

"I guess it just depends on who you ask. She kinda has to think so. Best friend and all." I said as I peeled an orange.

"Maybe you could show me what you got sometime." She stated before taking a bite of a sandwich.

"Really?" I smirked.

She laughed before I could say anything else.

"I can't even with you." She said as her laughter turned into a smile.

"I'll tell you what." I said. "How about instead of asking Taylor a million things about me, we hang out and you find out on your own."

"What makes you think I ask Taylor anything about you? That would imply interest and I assure you I'm not interested."

"Mmm. I'm sure." I said leaning closer. "You can fight it all you want, but I'm fully aware my name is always on your lips." I spoke into her ear softly.

"Give me your phone." She said as she grabbed it.

I watched as she typed in what I assumed was her phone number.

"Text me." She said grinning like she'd just done something naughty.

The rest of lunch passed rather quickly and surprisingly, Selena had managed to lift my spirits. For the first time in a while, I wasn't immediately worried about when I was going to get my next fix. I managed to make it through the rest of my classes without any issues. By the time practice came around, I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and I was sweating. I turned on the faucet and splashed some cool water on my face. It had no idea how I was going to make it through practice.

Practice went terribly for me. I was unfocused and sloppy. I spent most of it running laps. Once I finally made it to the locker room, I could hardly open my locker my hands were shaking so bad. As I struggled to open the locker door, I suddenly felt sick to stomach. I barely made it to the bathroom stall before I started heaving. Withdrawals were a bitch. I was too busy emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet to notice that someone had entered the locker room.

Once I had the strength to stand, I exited the stall and collapsed on the floor against my locker. I needed to get a hold of Adam. I couldn't do this. I grabbed my phone and after several attempts, sent him a text.

"Demi?" Selena questioned as she approached me. "Are you ok?"

"Y-yeah." I stammered.

"You don't look so good." She said kneeling down beside me.

"I think I have the flu." I lied.

"Let me help you." She said softly.

I nodded as she helped me to my feet.

"I'll start the shower for you."

"Ok." I mumbled as I leaned my head against the cool metal of the locker door.

"Come on." She said as she wrapped an arm around my waist and led me to the running water.

My hands shook violently as I tried to pull my shirt off. "Fuck." I grumbled.

"Here let me." Selena said as she took my hands and held them in hers.

I nodded and she pulled my shirt up over my head. I watched as her eyes roamed over my abs and chest. She sucked in a breath as her eyes met mine.

"You uh, have a lot of...tattoos." She breathed.

"Yeah." I said swallowing.

"Your hands stopped shaking."She said glancing down.

"Yeah."

"I should go." She said softly.

"Yeah."

As soon as she left, I slammed my palm against my forehead. "Idiot!"

I took a quick shower and stuffed all my things into my backpack. When I checked my phone, I was relieved. Adam had texted. I agreed to meet him at my house in thirty minutes. I arrived at my house with just enough time to throw my bag into my bedroom and head back downstairs. I sat outside on the front steps and waited for him to arrive. He pulled up and approached me.

"Already?" He questioned.

"I'm not interested in getting a lecture from a fucking drug dealer, bro." I sighed.

"Fair enough." He smiled. "You look like shit."

"Do you have it or not?" I asked, my patience wearing thin.

"Yeah. It's what I do." He replied as he tossed me a eight ball. "Have you considered trying something else?" He asked.

"No. Why?" I asked.

"Just wondering." He said as he took the money I handed him. He started to walk away before stopping abruptly. "Here, take these. On the house." He said as he handed me a ziplock bag containing two syringes filled with a brownish colored substance.

"What the fuck is this?" I asked.

"Heroin." He stated before walking away.

I stared at the syringes and frowned. There was no way I was going to use this shit. I went back into my house and collapsed on my bed. I was exhausted. I put the drugs in my backpack and climbed underneath my comforter. I immediately thought of Selena. I picked up my phone and sent her a text.

**10:30pm: You up?**

**10:31pm: Who is this?**

**10:31pm: You know who this is.**

**10:33pm: Demi?**

**10:34pm: How does tomorrow after practice sound? I'll pick you up.**

**10:36pm: Maybe. I'll tell you tomorrow.**

**10:39pm: K**

Satisfied, I put my phone down and tried to go to sleep. I couldn't. My mind kept drifting to my backpack and what was inside. I tried to fight it, I really did. It was just no use. In the end it always won. It was always stronger. I stared at the syringes. I almost took one out. Almost. Instead, I grabbed the bag of coke, prepared two lines and called it a night.


	3. I Remember Everything

I woke up early and went for a run. Running always cleared my head. I knew I had a serious problem, I just didn't want to deal with it. I hated all the medication I was supposed to be taking. I had a whole plethora of issues that unfortunately didn't just go away. Bipolar disorder and depression with a side of anxiety. The meds made me feel detached and dull. I wandered around in a stupor and I hated it. I decided to stop taking them. My dad of course had no idea, he assumed I was being a good daughter and medicating myself. Technically I was, just not with anything you find at a pharmacy.

I arrived at school and found Nick sitting on the steps outside the front entrance.

"We should ditch." He suggested as I sat down. "Nah.

I've got plans hopefully." I replied.

"With who?"

"Who do you think?" I smirked.

"No fucking way." He grinned.

"She can't stand you."

"I let her take my shirt off. She's hooked."

"Fucking lucky!" He exclaimed. "You think you'll be able to seal the deal?"

"Without a doubt."

"You're the fucking man Dem." he said patting my shoulder.

"Snatching bitches at my leisure." I laughed.

Once the bell rang, I headed to my first class. As usual I made a pit stop in the bathroom. I entered the classroom and grabbed a seat in the back. I was a creature of habit. Doomed to repeat the same behavior over and over gain. I barely paid any attention in school the rest of the day.

As I sat on the benches court side, my gaze traveled to the dark haired girl with the beautiful smile. I was one hundred percent physically attracted to Selena Russo. She was perfect. She was on the other hand, one hundred percent dedicated to declining my advances. She'd push me away but hold onto the chain. I'd only known her for two days and my head was already spinning.

I watched her as she practiced the routine with the rest of the squad. Each step choreographed. I wondered if that's how she approached me, each move and word rehearsed until it came natural. She had a grace and warmth to her that I could cover myself in. She was like a drug and I was powerless. The addiction would be irreversible and absolute. I was certain that if the drugs didn't kill me, she surely would. At the very least she would drive me mad.

Once practice ended I waited around until I ran into her.

"You wanna hang out?" I asked her with a lopsided grin.

She stared at me as she thought about it. "Yeah. Pick me up in an hour." She instructed.

"Text me your address." I said as I slung my backpack over my shoulder and left the gym.

**5:36pm: 1340 Twilight Lane **

**5:39pm: I'll see you soon. **

**5:49pm: K **

**6:30pm: I'm outside. Lets go. **

**6:31pm: Hell no. You get your ass out of that truck and you come to the door. Rude. **

**6:32pm: Seriously? **

**6:34pm: I am not one of those girls. You will come say hi to my daddy before I go anywhere with you. **

**6:35pm: As you wish princess. **

I took a deep breath and climbed out of my '69 Ford Mustang. I loved that car. It was my dads and he gave it to me when I turned 16. I lightly knocked on the front door and smiled when Selena appeared.

"Hey." She greeted me.

"Hey yourself." I smiled. "You ready."

"Yup. Say hi to my dad first." She said as she pulled me inside.

She led me into the living room and I smiled as a rather large man with Selena's eyes approached me. He had a very gentle disposition about him. I could tell she had him wrapped around her finger.

"I'm Demi." I said as I extended my hand.

He grasped my hand firmly and gave it a shake. "Brian." He smiled. "I understand you're taking Selena out tonight?"

"Umm, yeah."

We stood there and stared at each other for a few moments. He seemed to be sizing me up. His eyes canned my tattoos and I could tell he was examining my plugs and facial piercings.

"Make sure you have her home by midnight. You guys have school tomorrow." He said patting my shoulder. "Have fun. It was nice to meet you." He added.

"Bye daddy." Selena said as she gave him a hug.

"Bye sweetheart." He smiled.

We left the house and I led her to my car. I opened the passenger side door and she gave me a brilliant smile as she lowered herself into the seat.

"So, where are you taking me stranger?" She asked.

"You'll see."

"Not even a hint?"

"Nah. It's a surprise."

As we pulled up to the beach, she let out a small squeal. I laughed and grabbed my guitar out of the back seat. We got out of the Mustang and I grabbed a blanket out of my trunk. Once we were settled on the sand, she kicked off her shoes and once again gave me a beautiful smile.

"This is nice." She said softly.

"It's my favorite place in the whole world." I told her. "My mom used to bring me here when I was younger." I explained as I started to strum my guitar.

"Taylor told me that your mom passed away a few years ago. That must have been hard."

"Yeah...it was horrible actually." I said sadly as I put my guitar down.

"Can I ask what happened?"

I took a deep breath. "I came home from school. When I walked into the house it was the same as it always was. My afternoon snack was waiting for me at the table, the dishwasher was running, but I couldn't find my mom. I walked around the house looking for her and calling out her name. She didn't answer." I explained, my voice cracking slightly. "I walked into my parents bedroom and that's where I found her. She was hanging in the closet with one of my dads belts." I said as a tear slid down my cheek.

"Jesus Christ." Selena mumbled. "Demi, I'm sorry. I had no idea."

"I cut her down, but it was too late. She was dead." I said softly.

I felt her wrap her arms around me and I let her. It was strange to me how caring she was. She barely knew me.

"She didn't leave a note. We have no idea why she did it."

"I...I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything."

"I feel like I should."

"Anyway, enough of that. Tell me about you." I said clearing my throat and changing the subject.

"What do you want to know." She asked shyly.

"Everything."

We talked for the next two hours. I checked my watch constantly. I didn't want to be late dropping Selena off. Her dad looked like he could kill me. As we sat there, I noticed she looked cold. I took my jacket off and wrapped it around her.

"Thanks." She smiled.

"No problem."

"I had you all wrong. You're a sweetheart."

"Most people misjudge me. I can be difficult sometimes though. It's hard for me to let people close."

"I definitely did." She confessed. "In my defense you were kind of an asshole." She laughed.

"You have no idea." I grinned as I picked up my guitar.

"It's getting late. I should probably get you home."

"Sing to me." She said softly.

"Your dad is going to kill me if you're late."

"Since when do you follow the rules?" She asked raising her eyebrow. "I've heard all the stories." She smirked.

"Oh you have?" I questioned. "Someone sounds a little obsessed."

"Not even." She laughed.

"Come on. Lets go." I said as I stood up and offered her my free hand.

The drive back to her house was spent in a comfortable silence. She leaned her head against the passenger side window and gazed out into the dark terrain. She looked beautiful. The entire time I wondered what she was thinking about. When we finally arrived at her house, I was sad to see her go. I smiled when I realized I still had ten minutes to spare.

"You gonna walk me to the door " She asked.

I laughed. "This ain't no date!"

"Please?" I immediately fave in.

"Yeah." I said as I opened the car door and stepped onto the asphalt.

As we walked toward her house she grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.

"I wanted to hold your hand." She said blushing and looking away.

"Lucky for you, I wanna hold yours too." I smiled.

"I had fun tonight Demi." She said softly.

"Sel..."

I didn't get the chance to finish speaking. I felt her press her lips against mine and my mind literally went blank. She tasted like Reese's Pieces. I pulled her into me and felt her smile against my lips as we lost our balance and slammed against the door. I gently cupped her cheek and kissed her thoroughly. When we finally parted, she looked dazed. Her eyes were dark and her her cheeks were flushed.

"You didn't strike me as the type of girl to kiss on the first date." I said slightly out of breath

. "This wasn't a date." She whispered in my ear before she opened the front door and disappeared inside her house.

I smiled as I stood there trying to make sense of what just happened. She had me hooked and I now I needed a cold shower. I drove home with all the windows rolled down blasting Killswitch Engage. It had been a long time since I had opened up to someone the way I did to Selena tonight. She made me feel at ease. When I was with her, she was all that mattered. I realized that I managed to make it through the entire time I spent with her without doing a single line. It was almost like she was the remedy to my insanity. As I pulled into the driveway of my house, my phone went off indicating I had a text.

**12:30am: I miss your lips. **

**12:32am: I haven't even began to show you what they can do. **

**12:33am: Night. **

I walked into my house and made my way to my bedroom. I grabbed my coke and quickly cut two lines on my end table. I snorted both lines then pinched my nostrils. I swallowed and grimaced as I tasted it in the back of my throat. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon.


	4. I Focus On The Pain

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to iflyselenagomez. If it wasn't for her bravery and patience while she waited for me to update, this chapter would have never made it. ;) Follow her on twitter and you too can bask in her awesomeness.**

By the time Friday rolled around, I was irritable and exhausted. School was seriously getting in the way of my sleep. I hadn't really been eating right the past couple of days either. The cocaine killed any desire I had to eat and I would simply forget. I had started using it more often and I was running out more frequently. I saw Adam four times in the span of two days. I kept chasing that euphoric invincible feeling that it gave me when I first started using it. Now it just left me feeling paranoid and even more depressed than usual. I was constantly checking to see if I had coke nose and I'm pretty sure Taylor noticed.

"Demi, you look like crap." Taylor said as she sat across me from me at lunch.

"I haven't been sleeping well."

"You should eat your lunch. You haven't touched it."

"I'm not hungry." I grumbled, laying my head on the table. "I just want to sleep."

"You should go home." She said softly. "It's probably the withdrawals."

"Yeah..." I mumbled. "You're probably right." I lied.

"I'll bring you your homework."

"Of course you will." I mumbled. I felt a pair of soft hands lightly squeeze my shoulders.

"Hey Dem." It was Selena.

I didn't bother to lift my head. I didn't have the energy anyway. We had started talking on a regular basis since the day I took her to the beach. It was safe to say we had become friends. She didn't mention the kiss, and neither did I. I still had two days to fulfill my bet with Miley. I figured the party on Saturday night would be the best place to do it. Alcohol tended to assist people with making bad decisions. I'm sure Selena was no different.

"Hi." I finally answered with a sigh.

"You look terrible." She frowned.

"So I've heard. I'm going home." I said as I stood and walked away.

"Demi! Wait!" She called after me.

"What?" I replied slightly exasperated.

"I'll walk with you to your car." She said narrowing her eyes at me. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No." I stated flatly.

I was relieved when we made it to my car. I unlocked the door and collapsed in the driver seat. I leaned my head against the seat and let out a heavy sigh.

"I'll call you later." She said softly.

"Ok." I said as I turned the key in the ignition and drove away. Once I made it to my house, I went upstairs and collapsed on my bed. I fell asleep instantly. I didn't wake up until mid afternoon on Saturday. I felt heavy and overly groggy. By the time I willed myself to get out of bed another hour had passed. My stomach grumbled and I made my way downstairs to raid the fridge. I wasn't surprised to see my dad sitting at the table perched in front of his laptop.

"Hey stranger." He smiled.

"Hey dad."

"You up for a movie or something tonight?" He asked. "I haven't seen you much lately."

"Not tonight. I'm hanging out at Matt's house." I said with apologetic look.

"Bummer." He said as he went back to pecking at the keyboard. "Are you doing alright Dem?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I sighed.

"Probably because you look like shit and all you ever do is sleep. I'm worried about you kiddo. Are you taking your meds?"

"Yes I'm taking my meds." I lied. "I'm fine. I'm just tired. I've got a lot going on."

"Let me know if you need anything." He said. "Please be safe. I know how you teenagers are." He grinned.

"I will dad. Always." I smiled as I grabbed my food and went upstairs.

I scarfed down my food and took a shower. I threw on the first pair clothes I could find and headed out the door. As soon as I got into my car I heard my phone go off. I had a text. I pulled it out of my pocket and frowned. It was Adam.

** 7:01pm: I've got a proposition for you.**

** 7:02pm: What kind?**

** 7:03pm: Business. Meet me at my place. We'll talk. **

**7:03pm: K **

It took me about thirty minutes to get to his place from mine. I was very curious to see what he had to say. I could use the extra money. My allowance just didn't cut it. I was also hoping to gain access to more of the drugs that I had become completely dependent on. I walked up the rundown steps and knocked on the door. The house itself was old and rundown. It looked like it was straight out of a horror film. Adam opened the door and invited me in.

As soon as I walked in I was greeted by two rather questionable looking twenty something males. They were the kind of people that made you pull your children closer when you passed them on the street. I wasn't really one to judge though, I didn't exactly look like I shopped at Ambercrombie and Fitch either.

"I'm Todd." The shaggy haired blonde with a goatee stated as I sat down.

"Demi." I answered.

"I'm Zach." The dark haired grumpy one grumbled.

I nodded in response.

"Now that you all know each other, lets talk." Adam smiled as he sat next to me.

"We're looking for a new dealer." Zach explained. "Our other one was found in a dumpster early this morning."

I laughed. "You've got to be kidding me. Is this some kind of joke?"

"No. We're serious." Todd stated. "Adam told us that we should start trying to push our drugs somewhere a little less violent. The school would be perfect."

"I'm not pushing drugs into my school." I said shaking my head.

"Come on Dem. think about it. You need the money." Adam interjected.

"Not gonna happen bro."

"Would you consider pushing them elsewhere?" Zach asked.

I sat for a moment and considered his offer. I knew it was a bad idea, I just couldn't get the thought of the money that I would make out of my head. After several moments I finally answered.

"Yeah. I'll do it."

"Perfect." Zach smiled.

Todd reached begone the couch and pulled out a plain black backpack. "Inside is the merchandise as well as a disposable cell phone. Clients will call you to request merchandise. Once you confirm the order, you will deliver it to the caller. Cash transactions only." He explained as he tossed me the bag. "There's also a gun in there. Serial numbers have been filed off so it's completely untraceable."

I swallowed as the weight of my decision began to set in. I was on my way to becoming a drug dealer. Once the meeting finished, I placed the bag into the trunk of my car and left Adam's house. I drove to Matt's listening to my music loudly. I arrived earlier than everyone else. I checked to make sure I had my phone and coke and headed into the house. By the time the night ended, I planned on being five hundred dollars richer.

"Dem!" Matt exclaimed as I walked in the door. I was surprised to see Miley sitting with him.

"You're here early." I said as I hugged her.

"Yeah. I thought maybe we could pregame. I got us something." She grinned mischievously.

I laughed when she he held up the bag of white powder.

"Wanna try it with us?" She asked.

"Fuck yeah." I answered.

By the time people started arriving for the party, we were already wasted. I kept my eyes open for Selena. If everything went according to plan, my wallet would be significantly thicker in the morning. It didn't take me long to find her either. Unfortunatly Justin was all over her. I hated that little prick. He was always squinty eyed and pouting his lips. He looked fucking stupid. Don't even get me started with his clothes. I walked over and removed his arm from across her shoulders and replaced it with mine.

"You look bored." I said to her as I looked at Justin. "It's ok. I'd be bored too." I added.

"Demi...be nice." She warned as she turned her head to face me. I felt her scoot closer to me. Justin noticed too. I gave him a smirk.

"I am." I smiled.

"I was asking if she wanted a drink." Justin explained.

"Ok. Then go get her one." I responded.

He gave me a tight smile as he walked away shaking his head.

"I don't think he likes me." I laughed.

"I can't imagine why. You're so charming." Selena responded rolling her eyes.

"You seem to think so." I grinned as I felt her reach up and play with my fingers.

"You wish."

"Alright Russo, I've had enough with the small talk. I'm gonna get you fucked up tonight!" I said loudly.

"You still haven't sang for me." She said crossing her arms.

"If you're lucky, I'll get you to sing for me tonight." I whispered in her ear.

She just shook her head and playfully slapped my arm. "Let's drink." She smiled.

The next few hours were pretty much a blur. We drank and danced then drank somemore. Miley and I continued to do coke and luckily Selena and Taylor didn't notice. I was actually having a lot of fun. As I stood watching one of the freshman girls strip on top of the table, I felt Selena lean into me. She grabbed my arms and pulled them around her waist.

"Do you like what you see?" She asked.

"She's alright. Not really my type." I said shrugging my shoulders.

I felt Selena's hands on top of mine as she guided them to her flat stomach. I could feel her bare skin underneath my palms. I couldn't help but smile. I knew she did this on purpose.

"What is your type?" She whispered seductively.

This was far too easy. "Tall. Dark eyes. Tan skin. Long brown hair. Beautiful smile." I answered.

"I don't see anyone here that matches that description." She frowned.

"I do."

"Who?"

"You."

She turned in my arms and stared at me for a few moments. I could tell she was thinking. I wasn't quite sure about what though. Her eyes were difficult to read.

"Let's get another drink." She slurred.

This is where I should've done the noble thing and cut her off, but I didn't. I simply nodded in agreement and got her another drink. By the time she asked me to take her home, she couldn't walk. I carried upstairs into Matt's bedroom and laid her down in the bed. She was pretty much passed out. I had two choices. One, I could leave her here and make sure she was ok or two, I could take advantage of her and make myself five hundred dollars richer. This should have been a no brainer, but for me the dilemma was real. I took my jacket off and swallowed. She wouldn't be the only one waking up with regrets in the morning.


	5. I Will Make You Hurt

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading! I hope you enjoy the update! Leve me a review. I love hearing from you guys.**

I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not to her, not to anyone. I laid my jacket at the foot of the bed and pulled up chair. She looked peaceful as I watched her sleep. The moonlight cast her soft features in a pale glow. She was laying on her stomach with her cheek pressed into the pillow. Her lips were parted slightly and her soft brown hair fell across her face. It was extremely difficult to focus, but I did. I wanted to look at her. I wanted to see her. She was absolutely perfect. She represented everything that I could never have. She was everything that was pure. I was a mess. The blood that flowed through my veins was corrupted by the poison that I constantly put into my body. I was drawn to her beauty but I was fascinated by her intellect. I felt myself starting to drift out of consciousness. The alcohol and drugs were making me tired. I laid down next to her in the bed. As soon as my head touched the pillow, I fell asleep.

I woke up and I could feel her eyes on me. My mouth was dry and my head was pounding. I opened one eye and sure enough she had herself propped up on an elbow as she stared at me.

"You were snoring." She said smiling brightly.

As I looked at her, I had no idea how she managed to look so amazing after the night we had.

"It's too early." I groaned.

"I'm hungry. Feed me." She demanded.

"Seriously?"

"Yes." She answered.

"How about no." I sighed.

"Please..." She said as she gave me the biggest puppy eyes I have ever seen. I laughed as she hid her face under the blankets.

"Yeah. Let me make myself presentable and I'll get you some food."

It took a me a little while to get moving, but once I was finally able to get out of bed it wasn't so bad. We tiptoed through the house since it was still relatively early. It was a chaotic mess. Miley was passed out on the table in her bra and underwear. I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Matt was sprawled across the sofa. Judging by the dicks that were drawn on his face I assume he passed out rather early. Selena and I carefully stepped over the cups and people that littered the floor.

When we made it outside I quickly put my aviators on. It was way too bright out here for me. Selena seemed completely unfazed. If I hadn't contributed to her drunkeness last night, I would never have known she had spent the entire night drinking. She looked absolutely radiant. I was another story completely. I was certain I looked and smelled homeless.

"Am I really your type?" She asked as we got into the car.

I was completely shocked. "You remembered me saying that?"

"I remember a lot of things." She said with a coy smile. "I wasn't as drunk as you thought."

"Apparently not." I said glancing at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Answer the question Torres." She teased. "Am I really your type?"

I cleared my throat. "Yes." I said as I stared ahead and watched the road.

"Am I making you nervous?"

"Yes."

She leaned in and whispered into my ear. "Why?"

"I think you know why." I answered as we pulled in to the parking lot of a local diner.

"It's certainly not love." She said pursing her lips. "You seem like the type that goes after what she wants."

"Loving someone and wanting them are two very different things." I stated as we got out of the car. "And no, it's definitely not love."

"Unless you feel them for the same person." She said glancing at me as we walked toward the entrance to the restaurant.

"Where are you trying to go with this?" I asked as I opened the entrance door for her. "It's not a secret that I visually enjoy you." I smiled.

"Where does that lead exactly? I've heard some things about you..." She trailed off.

I laughed. "Sel, I'm not after anything from you. How about we just work on being friends. We've known each other a week."

"So you're not interested?" She asked.

"I never said that."

"Is a booth ok?" The hostess interrupted.

"Yeah." I smiled.

"Right this way ladies." She said as she grabbed two menus and led us to our table.

"You like me then?" Selena asked as we sat.

"I like you enough to get up at six thirty in the morning, hung over and exhausted in order buy you breakfast." I grinned at her.

"True." She sighed. "I have difficulty reading you. I'm sorry for all the weird questions. I realize its awkward."

"I'm not that complicated."

"That's what Taylor said." She smiled.

"Trust me. She would know."

"Did the two of you ever hook up?" She asked.

"Absolutely not. She's my best friend. It would never work."

"Best friends make the best lovers." She smiled.

Luckily for me the waitress came over and distracted her. The topic of conversation was a bit awkward for me. I couldn't even imagine hooking up with Taylor. It was a very foreign concept. I suppose it would be the equivalent of kissing your sister or something. It was just weird. Once we finished ordering our food, I watched as she pushed her hand through her hair and swept it to the side.

"You're very attractive." She stated as she studied my face. "I like your butt chin." She said blushing.

"I like your smile." I said grinning.

"I have a feeling you're gonna end up meaning the world to me." She said softly.

"You've got some good game Russo." I smirked as I leaned forward. "Mines better."

"Prove it." She said as her eyes met mine.

As I stared into her eyes, I recognized the rebellious spirit she kept locked inside. She was the kind of girl that lived up to everyone elses expectations of her. She didn't want to disappoint. She was never truely free. She was a caged bird, she wanted to fly but she just sat behind her bars and watched everyone else. I wanted to set her free. I also wanted to kiss her again. Unfortunately, the waitress interrupted us with our food.

I was amazed at how seriously this girl took eating her food. Clearly, she liked to eat. She was adorable. I wanted to keep her forever.

"Are you even chewing any of that?" I teased.

"Shut up." She mumbled with a mouthful of food.

We spent the rest of breakfast laughing and talking about whatever came to mind. She made me happy. I haven't ever connected with anyone the way I was connecting with her. It was as if she was the final piece of my puzzle. She could complete if I'd let her. I knew she liked me. It was pretty obvious. I'd have to be blind and dumb to not notice. I think that she was afraid of me though.

"What's up with your ex?" She asked me.

"That's the million dollar question now isn't it." I said sucking in air.

"She hates you. Why?"

"You get straight to the point don't you?" I smiled.

"And you're avoiding answering me." She said raising an eyebrow.

"Do you want the truth or the generic explainantion?" I asked.

"The truth."

"Are you sure?"

"Demi." She sighed. "Answers, not more questions."

"I cheated on her during a cocaine fueled weekend in LA." I stated.

"Oh my god!" She said, completely shocked.

"Yup." I said raising both eyebrows and chewing on my lip. "As far as she's concerned, I'm public enemy number one."

"I can see why." Selena scowled. "Why would you do that?"

"Well, I obviously wasn't thinking clearly."

"But why the drugs? What's the point of it?"

"Escape I guess." I swallowed.

"What are you running from?" She asked.

"Don't you mean was? What was I running from?"

"No. You're still running. I can tell. It makes sense now. You weren't sick. Well, not the kind of sick you claimed to be." She said with a frown.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. She was fucking smart and apparently she could see right through me. I was terrified.

"Can we please talk about something else." I mumbled.

"Sure." She said slowly.

Once breakfast was over we got back in my mustang and I drove her home. I felt her eyes on me as I pulled up to the curb.

"Park it." She said softly.

I did what she said and put it park. She reached over and took the keys out of the ignition and then opened her door and got out of the car.

"Let's go." She said glancing toward the house.

I silently obeyed. I was surprised when she laced our fingers together as we walked toward her front door. As soon as we stepped into the house I could hear the rest of her family milling around the house. Her mom was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and I could hear her older brother and dad talking about football while they watched sportsenter in the living room.

"Hey sweetheart." Her mom said as we passed through the kitchen. "Who's this?" She asked when she noticed me.

"Demi." Selena stated.

"Does Demi have a last name?" She asked.

"It's Torres ma'am." I answered politely.

"Oh please honey. I ain't that old. Call me Mandy." She smiled. "You girls hungry?" She asked.

"Nope." Selena answered. "We will be upstairs."

"I like your tattoos!" Her mom whispered loudly as we walked away.

"Thanks." I said winking at her.

Selena wasted no time dragging me upstairs to her room. I wasn't surprised as I took in the posters and decor. It all fit what I knew of her personality very well.

"We are going to go to sleep. It will be the most epic snuggle time ever." She said as she launched some pajamas at me. "I'm exhausted."

We both changed and climbed into her bed. The bed smelled exactly like her. It was heavenly. She pushed me into my back and laid her on my chest directly over my heart. She draped her legs across mine and tangled her hand in my hair.

"Is this ok?" She asked sleepily.

"Yeah. It's perfect."


	6. You Could Have It All

**A/N: Sorry this took so long. Life gets busy sometimes. This chapter represents a turning point in this story. I hope you are ready for what's to come. Leave a review. Thank you guys for reading.**

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night. I wasn't quite sure what time it was was, but I knew it was still night time thanks to the lack of light in the room. I smiled when I remembered where I was. Selena was still sprawled out on top of me. Her breathing was heavy and even, she was still sound asleep. We had managed to sleep the entire day. I carefully reached for my phone and checked my text messages. Sure enough I had a few texts from Miley, Taylor and Adam. I tossed the phone to the side and returned my attention to the girl on top of me. It was strange to me how easily we went from being rude to each other to being friends.

"Are you awake?" She whispered.

"No." I whispered back.

I heard her laugh softly as she lifted her head off my chest. "That was the most amazing nap I've ever had." She smiled at me in the dark.

"Nap?" I laughed. "We slept for like twelve hours!"

"Best nap ever." She grinned. "I'm hungry."

I laughed again. "You're like a bottomless pit."

"Something tells me you're gonna agree to cook me breakfast." She smiled as she tapped the tip of my nose with her finger.

"Really?" I smirked with a raised eyebrow. "Do you always sleep with strangers and make them cook for you?" I teased.

"Technically you're not a stranger." She said softly. "I know you. And I trust you." She added.

"Are you sure about that? There's no telling what kind of secrets I could be hiding."

"You're harmless. Now get up and make some food." She ordered as she pushed herself off me and climbed out of bed.

I silently obeyed. I followed her to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and my hair then headed downstairs to the kitchen. She turned on the lights and the radio and started dancing along to the music. She smiled as she watched me rummage through her fridge and cupboards searching for the ingredients and utensils I would need to cook. I didn't bother to ask for help, I liked the adventure and discovery that came with figuring it out myself.

I grabbed some potatoes, onions, bell peppers and eggs. Once I found a knife and cutting board, I began cubing the potatoes while Selena danced around. Once I finished the potatoes I cut the onions and the bell peppers. She continued to sing and dance as I cracked six eggs open into a bowl. I grabbed the whisk and beat them into a frothy yellow mixture.

"Bacon or sausage?" I asked Selena as she twirled around the kitchen.

"Both." She smiled.

I opened the fridge and pulled out a package of bacon and some sausage. Once I had cut the meat into smaller pieces, I grabbed a skillet, dumped a small amount of oil in it and tossed all the meat, potatoes, onions and bell peppers into it. It took about ten minutes to brown the potatoes. Once I was satisfied with their texture, I dumped the eggs in.

"It smells wonderful Dem." Selena said as she stared at me with her beautiful brown eyes.

"I know." I smirked.

Once the eggs finished scrambling I got out two plates and served the food. I poured us both a glass of orange juice and we both sat at the table. As we sat their and ate our food, I realized that she had me taking care of her. She was a clever girl. I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

"What's so funny?" She asked as she chewed her food.

"You." I stated.

"What about me?" She asked softly as her eyes met mine.

"You've managed to wrap me around your finger in a matter of days."

"Is that a bad thing?" She asked.

"It depends."

"On what?"

I shrugged and let out a content sigh. "We'll just have to wait and see."

Once we finished eating, we settled onto the couch and watched movies. I couldn't help but smile at how she'd cry over a scene she'd seen a hundred times already. You'd legitimatly think it was the first time she'd ever seen it. She would laugh and shush me every time I'd sing loudly and off key to songs that played in the background.

The way she felt nestled up into my side was absolute perfection. It was like she was made to be there. I felt her grab my hand and hold onto it. She traced small circles onto the back of my hand with her thumb as she leaned her head onto my shoulder. As we sat there, I knew we'd never experience a moment as perfect as this one again. I was sober right now and that never lasted very long. I was too fucked up. I'd never be able to be everything that she needed or deserved. I wasn't in love, but I could feel myself falling. It was terrifying. In the end I would hurt her. I knew that for certain. She wasn't equipped to deal with my craziness. She had no idea what she was getting herself into.

I knew she was slowly and cautiously pulling me closer to her. I could see it in her eyes. I could hear it in her voice. I could feel it in her touch. She wanted more from me than just friendship, but she needed time to teach me how to love her. I wasn't good in relationships. I was a self destructive addict. I knew sooner or later the drugs would take hold. They already were. I was on thin ice. It was only a matter of time before I disappeared down that dark road. I don't think she knew the extent of my demons. Something told me she'd stay anyway. That was the part that really scared me. She was the type of girl that would hand over her heart willingly as I broke it over and over again.

Once the movie ended, we cleaned up our mess in the kitchen and climbed out onto her roof to watch the sunrise.

"Thanks for everything Demi." She said as she stared out towards the horizon. "I haven't felt this happy in a long time."

"I should be thanking you." I said softly. "You've kept me out of the trouble these past couple days."

"Sometimes I think I forget how to have fun. I'm always so busy at school and work and I just feel like life is passing me by. You reminded me to live a little."

"Can I tell you something?" I asked. "You might get mad." I warned.

She nodded in response.

"I took you to that party hoping that I'd get you to have sex with me. I made a bet with Miley." I said without making eye contact.

She sighed. "I know. Taylor told me."

"You shouldn't trust me Selena. I'm only going to disappoint you."

"Realistically I should be pissed at you. I'm not though. You had every opportunity to take advantage of me." She said as she licked her lips. "You know what I remember?" She asked.

"What?"

"You didn't. Instead you stayed with me to make sure I was ok. That speaks volumes Demi. I know who and what you are. You might think I don't, but I do. I see through all the bullshit."

"Are you sure about that?" I asked as I made eye contact."You've barely scratched the surface Sel. Underneath it all, I can and probably will hurt you."

"I'm a big girl. I can take it."

"I'm not sure you can." I said shaking my head. "You're beautiful and I'm not gonna lie, I want you. Badly. I just can't though. It's not fair to you."

"Can we at least try?" She whispered.

"We can be friends Selena, but that's all I can promise." I said softly.

"That's all I'll ask for then." She said as she scooted closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

She took my rejection gracefully. She wasn't upset or sad. If she was, she didn't show it to me. As the sun peeked over the horizon I took a deep breath and glanced at her. The sunrise was dull in comparison to her. She was gorgeous. I Waited for the sharp pains of longing to stab at my heart, but they never came. Instead I felt content. She calmed me and kept me centered. She was my anchor.

"You have single handedly turned my whole world upside down." I said softly into her ear. "It's just no for now. Lets see what happens."

She didn't respond and she didn't have to. She knew what I meant. I asked her to wait and deep down I hoped she would. I hoped I'd even be in a place that made me worth waiting for. I had a serious problem and she was putting it all into perspective for me. I wanted to run, but she wouldn't let me. She was the shore and I was the waves. Right now I was crashing into her.

I eventually had to leave Selena's. I had work to do. I popped the trunk and pulled out the black backpack. I opened it up and pulled out the disposable cell phone. Sure enough, I had several requests for deliveries. I contacted each of the buyers and made arrangements. It was going to be a long day. I shouldnt have slept all day and stayed up all night. I stopped at a gas station and bought a Rockstar. I opened it and chugged half the can. Against my better judgement, I opened the black backpack once again and snorted a couple lines of the drugs I was going to deliver. I'm sure a couple bumps won't be missed.

The first few deliveries went of without a hitch. I was surprised at how easy all of this seemed. It wasn't until later that I realized I might be in over my head. The later it got, the more questionable the neighborhoods became. I was no longer delivering to bored housewives and college kids. These people were straight up junkies and criminals. I was slowly becoming more and more uncomfortable. I now understood what the gun was for.

I climbed the stairs of the run down apartment complex quickly. I could hear various odd noises coming out of each apartment. I heard a couple arguing, a crying baby and a tv program that was playing. I approached the door and glanced around makining sure that no one could see me. I quickly removed the backpack and pulled the gun out of one of the pockets. I made sure it was loaded and tucked it into the waist band of my jeans. Once I was sure my jacket kept it covered up, I knocked on the door. It took a few minutes before the door opened.

"Who the fuck are you?" A mans voice said from behind the closed door.

"I have a delivery." I said loudly.

"Hold on." He said.

While I waited I could hear banging around as he unlocked the door. When the door finally opened, he stepped aside so I could enter. As soon as I walked into the apartment I was on edge. It was a mess. I watched as he quickly shut the door and locked it.

"Let me see it." He stated frantically.

I slowly reached into my backpack and pulled out the heroin. I handed it to him and he immediately snatched it out of my hands. I watched as he grabbed a spoon and placed the heroin on it. He picked up a syringe and squirted what looked water onto the spoon. He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and held the flame beneath the spoon. Once he was satisfied, he took a cotton ball and pulled of a small piece then placed it in the heroin mixture. He then grabbed the syringe again and stuck the needle into the pice of drug soaked cotton. He pulled the plunger back until the syringe was filled with the heroin solution. I watched as he grabbed a piece of surgical tubing and tied off his left arm. He tapped the vein in the pit of his elbow then stuck himself with the needle. He let out a deep sigh as he pushed the drugs into his veins.


	7. The Needle Tears A Hole

**A/N: Thank you all for reading. Please leave a review. I love to hear what y'all are thinking.**

As I stood there and watched the disheveled mess of a man shoot up, I couldn't help but feel intrigued. As soon he pushed the plunger down on the syringe, he seemed to be in a state of complete euphoria. I'd been chasing that feeling for who knows how long. I was starting to wonder if the relief I'd been searching for had been in my grasp this whole time. I continued to study him. It was as if all the tension and worries that weighed him down had been lifted.

"What's it like?" I asked him.

"Warm." He answered with a smile. "Let me pay you." He added as he shoved his hand into the pocket of his dirty jeans. He pulled out a wad of cash and handed it to me.

"Thanks." I said awkwardly as I counted the cash.

"You wanna try?" He asked.

I stood there silently and considered his offer. Against my better judgment, I nodded my head. "Yeah. I'll try it."

I watched him prepare a second dose of the narcotics. Once he finished he handed me the syringe and the surgical tubing. I tied off my arm above my elbow and rapidly opened and closed my hand until my vein was clearly visible. I pushed the needle into my vein and hissed at the sharp pain. I carefully pushed the contents of the syringe into my blood stream. I immediately felt a warm sensation wash over me. I felt calm and safe. For the first time in a long time I actually felt like everything was going to be alright. A few moments later I began to feel slightly lightheaded and dizzy. I felt a little wobbly on my feet as I headed toward the door.

"You should stay here man." The disheveled junkie suggested.

"Nah. I'm going home." I said as I fumbled with the door locks.

Once I exited the building I headed toward my car. There was only place I wanted to go right now. I climbed into the driver seat of my mustang and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I scanned through my contacts until I found her name. I sent her a text and turned the key in the ignition. I glanced at my phone hoping she had texted back. I let out a frustrated sigh when I realized she hadn't. I put the car in drive and headed home.

I woke up the next day feeling completely depressed and exhausted. I sighed as I rolled out of bed. It was going to be one of those days. I took and shower and went downstairs to eat breakfast. As I sat there picking at my bowl of cereal, I seriously considered just going back to bed and skipping school entirely. I wasn't in the mood to deal with people constantly asking me what was wrong. The truth was simple, there wasn't anything wrong. How do you explain that you randomly feel like you want to kill yourself throughout the day for no apparent reason other than you just feel like it? How do you explain wishing you could just disappear because you simply can't cope with life. How do you explain feeling completely hopeless and alone no matter how much love you have in your life? How do you explain any of that? The answer is simple, you can't. Sure, I could tell them I'm bipolar and I should be on medication but the response is always the same. Suck it up. Yeah, no. It doesn't work that way.

I'm sick. It's not the kind of sickness that can be cured with medicine or a good nights sleep. It's the kind of sickness that you have to manage. All the pills in the world will never cure me. The truth is, I'm simply defective. I was wired wrong and I always will be. When my mother died, it was a harsh reminder of what happens to people like me. She did everything she was supposed to. She took her medication, she ate right, she exercised. In the end it still wasn't enough. She still drug a kitchen chair into her closet and stepped onto the seat and cinched my dads belt around her neck. She could have changed her mind, but she didn't. She let that chair tip over and she let herself die.

I stopped taking my medication because of the way it dulled my senses. I wasn't affected by anything. I'm quite certain my mom felt the same. She took her life because she felt unaffected by it. I didn't want that. I didn't want to be so numb that I just gave up. I'd rather take the crazy. In any case I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My mood swings were terrible and sometimes I scared myself. I still would rather feel pain than nothing at all and I quickly discovered that using drugs would sometimes stabilize my moods.

After eating hardly any of my cereal, I threw the bowl in the sink and went upstairs to grab my school bag. I went into my bathroom and cut four lines of coke on the counter. I snorted the first line and I felt a sharp stinging sensation in my nostril.

"Son of a bitch." I mumbled.

I grabbed a q-tip and pushed it up my nose. The inside of my nostril felt raw. I pushed against the walls and hissed as I felt a scab pull away. There was no way I was going to be able to do the rest of the coke. I stared at the remaining three lines and sighed. I took three quick breaths before putting the straw back in my nose and snorting the remaining three lines. It was excruciating.

I arrived at school a little later than normal and found everyone hanging out in one of the courtyards. As I approached I mentally prepared myself to socialize. I really wasn't in the mood today. I couldn't help but smile as soon as I saw Selena. I walked toward her and held my arms open. She immediately stepped into them and wrapped her arms around my neck. I pulled her into me and wrapped mine around her waist.

"I missed you." She said softly.

"I missed you too." I said as we pulled apart.

"You never called me like you said you would!" Taylor said narrowing her eyes at me.

"Sorry Tay. I was with Selena most of the weekend and we spent it in bed." I smirked.

"Oh really?" Taylor questioned raising an eyebrow.

Selena laughed lightly. "Not like THAT!" She exclaimed. "We hung out and had a sleepover." She further clarified.

I noticed that Taylor suddenly looked uncomfortable. She cleared her throat and pointed toward my nose. "Dem, you've got some..."

I reached up and felt the dampness seeping from my nostril. I wiped it away and I saw the crimson stains on my hand.

"Shit." I muttered as I stalked toward the bathroom.

It didn't take long for Taylor to walk into the bathroom behind me.

"Don't start." I warned as I examined my nostrils in the mirror.

"You promised me Demi." She said her voice low and even. "You promised."

"I know I did." I snapped. "It's a little easier said than done."

"Did you even try?"

She took my lack of a response as her answer. "I can't believe I trusted you." She sighed as she crossed her arms over her chest.

The hurt and disappointment in her eyes broke my heart. "I know I fucked up Tay." I said as I turned to face her. "I'm sorry. I really am. I have no choice but to stop at this point, so I guess in the end you're getting what you want anyway."

"That's not all this is about Demi and you know it." She said her voice stern. "You haven't been taking your medication. You haven't been eating right. You're not sleeping..."

"Tay. Stop. It's not your business." I said interrupting her.

"The hell it it isn't!" She said raising her voice. "You are my best friend Demi and I love you. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. I'm telling your dad. I don't care if you hate me for it. Someone has to take care of you and I guess it's me."

"Taylor." I said slightly panicked. "Don't do this."

"I have no choice!" She sighed. "I'm terrified of what's going to happen. It's not just about you anymore. What about your dad? What about me? Have you considered how we would feel if we lost you?"

"You're not gonna lose me Tay. I'm careful."

"Seriously? You carefully use drugs?" She rolled her eyes. "Absolutely not. You're stupid Demi."

I crossed my arms and glared at her. "You're really gonna do it, aren't you?" I asked.

"Yes. For many reasons. Please understand that the most important one of those reasons is that I love you."

"This is going to change things." I said as I pushed my hair out of my face.

"I know." She said with a sad smile.

"I won't take the medication. I will make him throw me out of the house."

"Dem.."

"I'm serious. I will give him no choice but to throw me out."

"You'd hurt your dad to get back at me?" She said angrily.

"No. I'll hurt him to get my way. I will hurt you to get my way. Are you noticing a pattern?"

"It doesn't have to be this way." She said softly as she grabbed my hand and held it in hers.

"I can't use coke anymore. My nose is wrecked. Can we just forget about it and move on?"

I could see the inner struggle in her blue eyes. "I won't tell him."

I let out a relieved sigh. "Thank god."

"Only if you start taking your meds again." She said quickly as she met my gaze.

"Dammit Tay!" I said loudly.

"You're being so unfair to me right now Demi!"

"You've got me backed in a corner!" I shot back.

"Fine!" She said as she let her arms fall to her sides. "Have it your way. I'm telling him." She said as she turned around and stormed out of the bathroom.

"Fuck!" I yelled at no one as I ran out the door after her. "Taylor!" I called out to her retreating form. "Stop!"

She stopped and turned around. Her blue eyes were angry. "I will never forgive you if you..."

She couldn't even finish the sentence. Instead she let out a strangled cry and buried her face in her hands. I immediately wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into my chest. Several people have us uncomfortable glances as they passed by. I could feel her shake as she cried. After several moments she pulled away.

"I'll take the medication." I said quietly.

"What?" She sniffled as she wiped her eyes.

"I'll do whatever you want." I said as my soft eyes met her determined blue ones.

"Prove it." She said with as much strength as she could muster.

I sighed heavily and took her hand as I led her toward my locker. I pulled out the prescription bottles and took a pill out of each one. She watched a I popped them into my mouth and swallowed. I opened my mouth so she could see that I actually took them.

"Are you happy now?" I asked angrily.

"Not really." She answered as she clicked her tongue.

"Good. Me either." I said as I slammed my locker and walked away.

I spent the rest of the day walking around in a fog. I felt very disconnected from everyone around me including myself. Taylor tried to talk to me but I walked away and left her standing there choking on whatever she had to say. I knew I was being unfair, but I needed time. I made my way to the school music room. I needed some quiet. I say down at the piano and started to play.

I knew the second she entered the room. I could feel her in my bones. I continued to play as she made her way over to where I was sitting. She didn't say anything as she approached me, she simply sat next to me on the piano bench and watched my hands as they moved across the ivory keys.

"You're upset." She stated when I stopped playing.

I turned toward her and stood so that I could straddle the bench and face her. Once I was situated, I sat back down. She turned towed me and folded her legs Indian style.

"Yeah, I am." I answered quietly.

"Are you and Taylor fighting?" She asked.

"Yeah. We are."

"Wanna talk about it." She offered.

"No. It's complicated."

"I'm a good listener." She said softly. "Maybe I can help.

"You've already helped." I said making eye contact. "Having you here right now, makes me feel balanced." I said carefully.

She blushed slightly. "I like being close to you too. What were you playing? It was beautiful."

"It's a song called Tennessee." I explained.

"Your hands certainly know their way around a piano." She said as she bit her lip.

"That's not the only thing they're familiar with." I replied taking the bait.

"Maybe you can show me sometime." She said softly. "I'd love to see what they're capable of."

"I'd love to show you." I said as my eyes met hers.

I could see it in her eyes. She was begging me to touch her. I slowly reached out to her. As my fingers brushed her cheek I held my breath. She leaned into my hand as I lightly stroked her cheek with my thumb. Her eyes were full of questions as they bore into mine. I watched as she slowly brought her hand up and touched my lips with her fingertips. I could hear the sharp intake of breath as she let her hand rest on my chest. I removed her hand and squeezed it gently.

"I should go." I said my voice low and raspy.

"Stay." She whispered.

"I can't Sel. Please. Don't make this harder than it already is."

She climbed into my lap and took my face in her hands. "I want you to touch me Demi. I want to feel you." She whispered into my ear. "I want all of you. I don't care if it hurts."

I took in a shaky breath. "I promise you, it will hurt."

I felt her press her lips to my jawline. She was making this hard. Instinctively I reached up and tangled my hands in her hair. It didn't take long for her lips to find mine. Thankfully, my common sense returned and I quickly pulled away.

"I can't." I panted as I tried to collect my thoughts. "I can't give you what you need."

"How do you know what I need?" She asked softly.

"I know it's not me." I said as I gently pushed her off me.

"What are you so afraid of?" She asked as her voice cracked.

"The real question is why aren't you afraid? I'm not who you think I am Sel. I'm dangerous for you."

"Why won't you let me in Demi?"

"I'm sorry. I can't." I said as I stood and left her sitting alone on the piano bench.


	8. What Have I Become

**A/N: Here it is. The latest and greatest. Thank you all for reading. I hope you like it.**

The next couple of weeks were quite difficult for me. I still hadn't talked to Taylor but I continued to take my medication. Even if I wanted to talk to her, I probably wouldn't have the time. School, practice, and drug dealing took up all of my time. The latter was really starting to get to me. I hadn't used a single narcotic in over two weeks and the temptation was literally crushing me. I was in physical pain. I wanted so badly to disappear in a mixture of chemicals and excuses. My stubborn nature however is probably my only saving grace at this point. I had resolved to prove to Taylor that I had control over what I was doing. If I'm being completely honest, I'm not mad at her. She's right. I know that she just wants to help me. I really just don't want her help. I want to self destruct. I want the pain.

Once I finished getting ready for school, I went downstairs to pass time until I actually had to leave. I smiled when I noticed my dad was still eating breakfast.

"Running a little behind old man?" I teased as I grabbed a carton of orange juice out of the fridge.

"I'm entitled to sleep in every once in while." He smiled.

I opened the carton and took a long drink. "We should go to the movies or something this weekend." I said as I wiped my mouth.

"We have glasses you could pour that in." He scolded. "And yes, a movie sounds fun."

"Yeah, but then I'd have to wash it. This is much better." I said with a grin. "Saturday then?"

"Saturday." He nodded. "Oh, hey!" He said suddenly. "I almost forgot. A dark haired girl stopped by last night looking for you."

"When?" I asked slightly confused.

"Sometime around nine thirty. You weren't here so she asked me to have you call her. She said you've pretty much ignoring everyone and that they were all worried about you."

"Did she tell you her name?"

"Yeah, it started with an S..."

"Selena?"

"Yes!" He smiled. "Stop ignoring your freinds Demi. It's not nice. Also, where the hell were you last night anyway?" He questioned.

"Making deliveries. Remember? I have a job now." I said.

"Sorry. I keep forgetting. I'm used to you mooching off of me."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to school. I love you."

"Love you too." He smiled as I walked out the door.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and frowned. I had several missed calls and a dozen text messages. Most of them were from Taylor and a couple were from Selena. My life was such a mess. Selena further complicated it. It was obvious she wanted a relationship with me. She made no attempt to hide it and she was quite persistent. I knew that I could fight it until the end, but deep down I knew I didn't want to win that fight. I wanted her, but I didn't want to drag her into the mess that was my life. I try so hard to be guarded around her. It doesn't work very well though. I'm like an open book to her. She gets under my skin in the best kind of way.

In an effort to further avoid Taylor and the awkwardness, I headed toward the gym when I got to school. As I walked down the main hallway of the facility, I could near loud music coming from one of the dance studios. Curiosity got the best of me so I headed toward the music. I peeked in the doorway and couldn't help but laugh to myself when I saw her. She moved perfectly to the song. She didn't notice me so I continued to watch. I never understood why they had poles in the dance rooms, but as I watched her it became clear to me. When the song ended I saw her glance my direction. She walked over to her gym bag and grabbed a towel. She had a brilliant smile on her face as she approached me.

"Were you pole dancing?" I teased.

She laughed. "Not the kind you're accustomed too!"

"Good because I left all my ones in the car." I smirked as she wrapped her arms around me.

"Sorry I'm so sweaty." She said as we hugged.

"You're not the first sweaty girl I've had wrapped around me." I said as we pulled apart. "I didn't know you danced." I added as we started to walk toward her bag.

"You never asked." She said shyly.

"You're very good. I honestly couldn't take my eyes off of you. It was beautiful." I said with sincerity.

"Thank you." She said smiling and biting her bottom lip. "You're very sweet."

"I'll get it." I said as she bent down to pick up the duffel bag. She smiled and let me pick it up. I slung it over my shoulder and walked her to the locker rooms.

"Come with me." She said softly when I stopped at the entrance. Before I could object she grabbed my hands and pulled me into the locker room. "Sit." She said pointing at the benches.

"Selena..."

"Relax." She smiled. "I just want you to wait for me. Is that ok? We are freinds right?" She questioned.

"Yeah. We are definitely friends."

She walked over and grabbed the duffel bag from me then went over to her locker. She pulled out a fresh pair of clothes and placed them on the bench. Without warning she peeled off her clothes then stuffed them into the duffle bag. I couldn't take my eyes of her. I saw the mischievous smile that graced her lips. She was trouble with a capital T. She was completely exposed to me and I could hardly breathe. She grabbed her towel and headed toward the showers.

"This could be yours, but you don't want it." She said in a low husky voice as she glanced over her shoulder.

When she dissappeared from sight I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. She was going to be the death of me. I was certain of it. Subtlety obviously wasn't her thing. I heard the water turn off and I immediately tensed up. I had no clue what she was going to do next. She reappeared wrapped in a towel as she walked back over to her locker.

"You're awfully quiet." She stated as she loosened the towel and dried her body. Once again, she was completely exposed to me.

"I'm just trying to keep my shit together." I laughed. "You are making it very hard." I added.

"Good." She smirked as she turned to face me. She had a nice rack. Not too big not too small. Perfect.

"Selena! For the love of god! Put some clothes on!" I said my voice slightly higher than normal.

"I've never had someone insist I put clothes on. It's certainly not something I'd hear Justin say." She said as she pulled on some black lacy panties and a bra to match.

I immediately felt irritated. "Really? You're gonna bring Justin up?" I asked clearly unamused.

"I was just simply making an observation. Why does it matter anyway?" She asked. "You don't own me."

"I don't like him." I mumbled.

"Why?" She asked.

"He's a douche." I answered.

"So are you." She said laughing.

"Yeah, but I'm only douchey to people I don't like. He's just a douche in general. Plus who the fuck hangs out with people that call themselves Lil Za and whatever the fuck the other one calls himself. It's stupid." I grumbled as I crossed my arms.

"I think he's kind of cute." She said as she buttoned her jeans.

"Yeah, I'm sure you'll change your mind when he roofies you at a party and you end up with a buffet of STD's"

"Demi!" She exclaimed trying not to laugh. "Wait. Are you jealous?" She asked with a huge smile.

"Absolutly not." I answered quickly.

"I think you are." She said as she sat in my lap. She still wasn't wearing a shirt.

"I hate you so much right now." I said as I tried not to smile.

She gave me a quick peck on the cheek then got up to finish getting dressed. I watched as she put on her makeup and blow dried her hair. She decided to keep it unruly and slightly curly today. She looked gorgeous. When she finished getting ready she packed all her stuff up and we left the gym.

"Are you gonna talk to Taylor anytime soon?" She asked as we walked.

"Yeah. I just needed some time. We are in a rough place right now."

"Why?" she asked

"I stopped taking my medication and she threatened to tell my dad." I explained.

"Oh wow. What kind of medication?" She asked. "I mean if you don't mind telling me, I just..."

"It's fine." I interrupted. "I'm bipolar and depressed. At least that's why my shrink says. I'm supposed to take something for anxiety as well but I don't really have anxiety attacks, so that kind of confuses me." I explained.

She raised her eyebrows. "She's right you know?" She said concern in her voice. "You probably should take your meds."

"I hate the way they make me feel." I sighed.

"Do they help?"

"Yes. But it's just not really an ideal situation for me."

"What does that even mean?" She asked.

"The side effects. I hate the side effects." I explained vaguely.

"I'm not gonna tell you what to do Dem, just make sure you take care of yourself." She said glancing at me.

"You're probably the first person I've met that hasn't tried to tell me what to do." I smiled.

"You're not mine control." She said softly. I caught a hint of sadness in her voice. "I would never try to cage you."

"You're amazing." I said

She just smiled and we continued walking. Once we made it to her first period class I hugged her and said goodbye.

"Hey Dem!" She called out as I turned to walk away. "When you're ready come and get it." She smiled.

I laughed in response and headed toward my first period class. Music. It was literally the highlight of my day. I walked through the door and immediatly all my troubles dissolved. I was at home in this room. I found a seat next to Joe and he smiled when he noticed me.

"Hey stranger."

"Hey fucker!" I said poking him in the cheek.

"Where the fuck have you been lately?" He asked.

"Around." I shrugged.

He rolled his eyes. "You're a douche."

"So I've been told." I smiled. "It takes one to know one though."

"So uh, you've got Taylor all emotional and depressed. Do you think maybe you could pull your head out of your ass and apologize for whatever you've done."

"Whoa wait. Who says its my fault?" I asked slightly annoyed.

"Chances are if someone is pissed and they are a girl that knows you, it's gonna be your fault. You're infamous for that shit." He said with a shrug.

"Whatever dude." I said as I turned toward the front of the class signaling I was done with the conversation.

As I sat and listened to the teacher I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out and smiled when I saw who the text was from.

**8:35am: I think I wanna marry you**

**8:36am: Weddings are expensive**

**8:37am: I'd make it worth the money...**

**8:37am: Oh really?**

**8:38am: Yes. Now please purpose already!**

I almost laughed out loud. I slipped the phone back into my pocket and resumed listening to the teacher. Once the bell rang signaling class had ended, I headed to my locker to switch out my books. I was surprised to see Adam waiting for me as I approached my locker. He looked scared.

"I need to talk to you." He said in a frantic whisper. "Now." He said forcefully.

I nodded and followed him as he started to quickly walk toward the exit. He kept glancing around to see if we were being followed. Once he was certain we weren't, he stopped and took a deep breath.

"I need your help. I got jacked last night. They took all my shit and Zach's gonna fucking kill me if I don't get it back." He said his voice slightly shaky.

"Who's they?" I asked.

"A couple of gang bangers at my old apartment complex. I gotta get that money back. Please Demi. Help me." He begged.

"Come on let's go." I said grimly.

I knew this would eventually happen. You can't sell drugs without violence. It was all or nothing.

"Let's take my car." I said as I unlocked the trunk and got my gun out of the backpack.

The drive to the complex was silent. When we arrived I scanned the area in an attempt to locate anything or anyone that looked out of place. Once we were both satisfied, we exited the car and headed toward the apartments. I immediately noticed a shift in Adams demeanor. He was no longer panicked or upset. His face was blank and focused. He looked like he meant business. Once we arrived at the door he glanced at me.

"You ready?" He whispered.

I pulled out my gun and nodded my head. "Let's do this."

I heard the door splinter as he kicked it in. We immediately barged into the house pointing our firearms at anything that moved.

"Sit the fuck down!" I yelled as I crammed my gun into a woman's face. She started to scream. "Shut the fuck up!"

"Give me the fucking money!" Adam yelled. "Keep your fuckin hands where I can see them!"

"We don't have your money!" One of the males said.

The woman continued to scream and cry uncontrollably.

"Shut her up!" Adam said angrily.

I repositioned the pistol in my hand and brought it down on the base of her neck. I watched as she silently crumpled to the ground. As soon as she hit the ground I felt a sharp pain to the side of my face. One of the guys sitting on the couch punched me before tackling me to the ground. I watched as my gun slid out of my grasp. I immediately reached for it and winced in pain when I felt my hand get stomped on. Instinctively I brought my knee up and connected with his leg. He lurched forward and I reached for the gun. The entire time I heard Adam instructing the other guy not to move.

I felt more pain as a foot repeatedly connected with my ribcage. I was beginning to get pissed. I quickly pushed myself up off the ground and landed a punch to my assailants face. He stumbled backward and fell into the wall. I quickly picked up the gun and pushed into his chest.

"If you move, I will fucking kill you." I panted. "I want the fucking money now!" I yelled as I grabbed one of the couch pillows and placed it against the leg of my hostage.

"Fuck you." He said as he spit in my face.

Without thinking I placed the gun against the pillow and pulled the trigger. He immediately screamed in pain as the muffled gunshot went off. He dropped to the ground holding the wound. I pointed the gun at his head as I stood over him.

"It's in the kitchen." He said frantically.

Adam handed me his gun and I kept them both trained on our hostages. He reemerged from the kitchen a couple minutes later with a black trash bag.

"I got it." He said quickly. "Plus interest." He added.

"Let's get the fuck out of here." I said as we both backed toward the door. I kept both guns trained on the two men as we left.

Once we got back to my car, I was shaking. I just shot someone.

"Holy shit." I mumbled.

"You're a fucking bad ass!" Adam exclaimed as he slapped my shoulder.

I lurched forward and just stared ahead. Reflexively I started the car and drove away. I wanted to get as far away from the apartment as I could. I drove Adam to his house and left without a word. I drove out to the beach and sat in the surf. I had no idea who I was anymore.

After several hours, I realized it was dark and I couldn't feel my body. I stood up and stiffly walked back toward my car. There was only one place I wanted to be right now. She would make the madness stop. She would wash away all my sins.


	9. I Die A Little Each Time

**A/N: Yay! Update! Thanks for reading. Leave a review!**

As I pulled up to her house, I was shaking. My clothes were soaking wet and clinging to my skin. I opened the car door and stumbled to her front door. As I got ready to knock, I realized that it probably wasn't a good idea. I didn't want to wake her parents. I walked over into the front yard an picked up a couple of small pieces of gavel and chucked them at her bedroom window. I waited a couple minutes and threw some more. After the third pebble, I saw movement in her window.

"Demi? Is that you?" She whisper yelled.

"Yeah." I said as my teeth chattered.

"I'll be down in just a sec." She said as she disappeared into the house.

A couple seconds later the front door opened and she pulled me into the house. "What are you doing here?" She asked. Shock registered on her face when she noticed my black eye and soaking wet clothes. "What happened to you Demi?" She asked as her eyebrows scrunched together.

"I need...you." I stammered.

She wrapped her arm around me and led me upstairs to her bedroom. She immediately went to her dresser and pulled out some dry pajamas.

"Lift your arms." She instructed as she pulled my shirt over my head. The soft light from the streetlight revealed the bruises on my abdomen. "Demi." Selena murmured as she lightly ran her fingers across the angry purple marks.

"It looks worse than it is." I said as I shivered.

She stepped closer to me and unbuttoned my jeans. Her eyes locked with my mine as she pushed them off my hips. She kneeled down and I balanced myself by grabbing her shoulder as I stepped out of the pant legs. She unfolded the pajama bottoms and held them open for me. Once I had them on, she handed me the t-shirt and I finished getting dressed. Without a word I climbed into her bed and covered myself in the comforter. I watched as she closed her bedroom door and climbed into bed with me.

"Demi, what happened?" She asked her expression worried.

"I pissed off the wrong person." I answered lamely.

"Don't do that." She whispered. "Please." She pleaded. "Tell me what happened."

"No more questions."

Before she could say anything I reached out and cupped her cheek. I ran my thumb across her lips as I placed my other hand on her hip and pulled her closer. I felt her shiver at the contact. I knew what this was doing to her. She had been begging me to touch her since we met. I felt her hands as she grabbed my face. I rested my forehead against hers and licked my lips.

"Selena..." I whispered.

"It's ok." She said softly.

I responded by pressing my lips to hers. She was intoxicating. I immediately deepened the kiss as my hands roamed over her perfectly toned body. I knew that I shouldn't be doing this. It would only confuse her. I wasn't looking for a relationship. In fact I couldn't even be in a relationship right now. She deserved better, but I needed to forget. Losing myself in her, even if it was only for tonight was exactly what I needed. I had fucking shot someone. I pointed a gun at another human being and shot them, over drug money. Fucking drug money.

She pulled my shirt over my head as I rolled on top of her. I hissed as she drug her hands across my ribcage. I kissed her harder when she softly apologized. I tugged at her shirt and she sat up so I could pull it off. My mouth immediately found her breast. She moaned as I teased her nipple with my teeth. She pulled me back down onto the bed with her as I kissed her neck.

"Jesus fucking Christ." She breathed.

I made sure I left marks. She didn't seem to mind much. I felt her nails dig into my back as I pressed my hips against hers. She let out a soft sigh as her eyes fluttered closed. I pulled away and started kissing my way down her abdomen. Her hands immediately tangled in my hair. I pushed her legs open and gently sucked on her inner thigh. I felt her shudder as I kissed toward her wet center.

I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing myself shoot that man over and over. I separated myself from her and quickly pulled on my clothes. They were still wet and it was quite uncomfortable as I slipped them on. I had to get out of here. I started to feel panicked. She was suffocating me, I needed space. I was never the type of person to become attached after having sex. It turns out, I am now. At least when it comes to her. She complicated my life so much. I had to stop this.

I opened the door to my house and ran upstairs to my room. I reached under my bed and pulled out the ziplock back. It still had the two heroin filled syringes in it. I found a belt and cinched it on my upper arm. Once I found a vain I pulled the cap of the needle with my teeth and stuck it in my arm. I immediately felt the warmth radiate throughout my body. I was comfortable. I was safe.

It wasn't surprising when I woke up with several text messages from Selena. I lamely sent her a vague text stating everything was fine and I reluctantly got ready for school. When I made it to campus I immediately ran into Miley.

"You look stressed stud." She said as she linked her arm with mine.

"Yeah. I have a lot going on right now." I said as I pushed my hair out of my face.

"I suppose now isn't the time to busy your balls about that bet you lost?" She asked with a soft smile and raised eyebrow.

"I suppose you're correct with that assumption." I sighed. "Can I tell you something?" I asked. "You have to promise to keep it a secret."

"Of course babe. You know my lips are sealed." She smiled.

"I really like her and last night I made a mistake. A huge one." I said quietly as we walked with our arms linked.

"Did you fuck her friend or something?" Miley asked.

"No!" I said slightly annoyed.

"Well, that's a surprise..." Miley trailed off.

"I fucked her." I stated with a frown.

"I don't see what the problem is. Y'all like each other." Miley shrugged.

"It's a problem because I just complicated an already complicated situation. She wants me to fucking be with her but I don't want a relationship right now. Lets not even bring up the fact that I am now slightly more attached to her thanks to the fact that we had sex."

I glared as Miley started laughing. "Dude. You're like a stage five clinger."

"Fuck off." I grumbled as I unlinked our arms and shoved my hands in my pocket.

"Oh come on Dem." She smiled as she hung on my shoulders. "You know I love you. Gimme some sugar." She said as she made obnoxious smooching sounds and puckered her lips.

"Hell no." I said as I playfully pushed her away. "I have no clue how many dicks those things have touched."

"Asshole!" She exclaimed as she punched my arm.

I laughed as I stumbled away from her. "You had it coming."

"Whatever." She smiled. "You should just tell her that you're not ready for a relationship." She said suddenly serious.

"I did that already. I'm pretty sure showing up in the middle of the night and then having sex with her is the wrong signal to be sending."

"You're sexy." Miley grinned as she pulled me in for a hug. "I wanna suck on your lip ring." She winked.

"Would you stop!" I exclaimed with a scowl.

"You're so cranky." She frowned. "What the fuck happened to your hand?" She asked when she noticed it was bruised and swollen.

"I slammed it in a door." I lied.

"Wow. You're kinda stupid." She laughed.

"I hate you." I said shaking my head. "I'll see you later." I said once the bell rang signing the start of first period.

I made my way to the music room and took my usual seat in the back next to Joe. He didn't say anything which was slightly odd. I'm guessing the silent treatment had something to do with Taylor.

"I'll talk to her today." I said to him as he pretended to ignore me. "I know you heard me. Quit being a buttboy and say hi."

"She's really upset Demi. I hope you know that." He said slightly annoyed.

"I'm aware. I'm not stupid."

"Are you sure about that?" He asked sacracstically.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes Joseph. I'm sure."

I was exhausted by lunchtime. If my nose wasn't so fucked up I'd have fixed that problem quickly. Instead, I had to suffer like everyone else. I hated not having energy. I spotted Taylor sitting with Selena, Matt and Justin. I fucking hated Justin. He was sitting next to Selena with his arm resting on the back of her chair. I wanted to rip it off his body and smack the shit out of him with it. Instead I plastered a smile on my face as I headed toward them.

"Hey Tay." I say quietly. "Can we talk?" I asked her as I signaled toward an empty table.

She have me a tight smile as she picked up her tray of food and headed to the empty table.

"Hey Sel." I said making eye contact.

"Hi." She said her tone neutral. I could tell she was being guarded.

I smiled as I walked away. I was incredibly annoyed that I was leaving her with Justin. I mentally prepared myself to face Taylor as I sat down across from her. She had a softness to her eyes that told me this would probably be a good conversation. I was thankful. It was hard for me to fight with her.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were actually ever going to speak to me again." She said softly. "I know I hurt you..."

"Tay. Stop." I interrupted. "You didn't hurt me. You pissed me off because you were right, but you didn't hurt me. I hurt you. I should be apologizing."

"I still shouldn't have pushed you so hard." She said as she held my gaze.

"You were just trying to take care of me. You've done nothing wrong. I love you Tay and I aways will. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up all the time." I said as I reached for her hand across the table.

"I love you too Dem. I forgive you. I forgave you the second you walked away from me."

"I know." I smiled.

"Are you doing ok?" She asked.

I knew what she referring to so I smiled and told her what she wanted to hear. "Yeah. I'm taking my meds and staying out of trouble."

It was all lies. I conveniently left out the fact that I was now using heroin, I stopped taking my medication again, and I was a drug dealer. Oh, and I've also taken up shooting people. I figured what she didn't know, wouldn't hurt her.

"Demi. I need to ask you something." She said as she leaned closer to me. "What's going on with you and Sel? She told me you guys hooked up."

"Umm, yeah. It happened last night." I said awkwardly.

"Demi." She said her tone serious. "Don't hurt her."

"I'm not trying to Tay. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"You know she likes you. You can't keep stringing her along. Maybe you should put a little distance between the two of you."

"What?" I questioned.

"Establish some clear boundaries. You're confusing her." She explained.

I sighed heavily. "I knew this would fucking happen. Normally I wouldn't even care. She's different though."

"How is she different Demi? This is what you do. You flirt and they get close to you then you get what you want and you move on to the next conquest. I've known you forever. You don't have the best track record." She said in a slightly scolding tone of voice.

"I swear to you I didn't just fuck her and leave. I was gone when she woke up because I was about to have a god damn panick attack because for the first time in my life I think I might actually feel something for someone and it just so happens to be her. She scares me."

"Wait, are you in love with her?" Taylor asked as a small smile crept upon her lips.

"I didn't say that." I immediately replied.

"Then what are you saying?" Taylor asked slightly confused.

"She's the only thing I think about and I'd die of I couldn't be close to her."

Taylor smiled. "Demi, I think you're falling in love."

"Great." I mumbled. "Just what I need right now."

Lunch ended and Taylor and I went our separate ways. I scanned the hallways looking for Selena. We needed to talk. I didn't want to hurt her and I needed to make sure we cleared the air. I spotted her at her locker and frowned when I saw Justin with her.

"You seem to have some sort of stray dog following you around." I said as I approached her.

She shot me a warning glare.

"Can you leave?" I asked Justin loudly.

"You can leave. I was here first." He shot back.

"I can assure you I was first." I smirked.

Selena cleared her throat. "You both need to stop." She said firmly. I noticed she seemed a little tense.

"I'll see you at six then?" Justin asked hopefully as he tried to ignore my presence.

Selena smiled. "Yes. Six is fine."

"Cool." He smiled as he hugged her and left.

"What the fuck was that?" I asked, clearly annoyed.

"That was me accepting a date with Justin." She answered as she shut her locker and started walking.

"Whoa what?'" I said grabbing her arm and stopping her. "A fucking date? Have you lost your mind?"

She looked at me like I was crazy. "I don't know why you're acting like you own me. You don't." She stated as she resumed walking.

"Selena wait!" I said as I caught up to her. "Skip your class and come to talk to me. Please. I promise I'll behave myself."

"Fine." She sighed.

We left the school and found a bench outside. Once were seated, she turned toward me.

"What the hell happened last night?" She asked.

"I took things a lot farther than I should have." I said softly.

"Is say so." She snapped. "You're all over the place Demi. Just when I think I've got you figured out, you show up in the middle of the night soaking wet and covered in bruises. It's confusing. You know how I feel..."

"How do you feel Selena?" I interrupted.

"That's not any of your business. That's not what we're talking about anyway. You shouldn't have left Demi."

"What do you even want from me Selena? I told you friends was the best I could do."

"Then why did you show up at my house and fuck me? What was that all about Demi? Please tell me. I'm so excited to hear what bullshit excuse you give me." She said clearly irritated.

"I panicked Sel. I took one look at you sleeping and I just couldn't. I'm bad for you." I said trying to remain calm. I didn't want her to see how much it hurt to keep her so close but far enough away at the same time.

"I'm not asking for forever Demi. I just want you to hold me for a while." She said softly.

Without thinking I reached out and pulled her close to me. She immediately leaned into me. "This is what I should of done last night. I'm sorry I didn't. You're so important to me Selena. I hope you know that."

"Let me in Demi." She whispered in my ear.

I pulled away from her and swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. "I can't. I'm sorry." I rasped as I got up and walked away.

I immediately went home and locked myself in my room. I did something I hadn't done in a while, I started writing again. Every note and every song was for her. That's when I realized that for the first time in my life, I cared about someone more than myself. I was in love, and there wasn't a damn thing I could about it. The funny thing was both of us were already paying the price. She took everything with so much grace, but her eyes told me more than she would ever say. She was a good girl. She was a steady girl. She was the kind of girl you married. I'm that girl your parents warn you about. Selena and I don't have a chance. It's not in the cards for us. I groaned when I heard my phone. It was Matt.

**7:34pm: Dude come hang out. We're drinking.**

**7:36pm: I'll be there in 10**

**7:36pm: :)**

It would do me some good to socialize. Hopefully Taylor isn't there. She knows I can't drink when I take my medication and if I'm drinking she's gonna know I'm not taking it or she's gonna think I'm trying to kill myself. Either way I'm fucked. By the time I arrived the party was already packed. Only my friends would party on a fucking school night. I walked into the house and I was enthusiastically greeted by several drunk juniors. They were completely wasted. I made my way toward the backyard and that's when I saw her, sitting in his lap.

I'll never be able to explain why I did what I did, but at the root of my actions I'd say jealousy had something to do with it. I pulled her off him and I started swinging. I could hear all the commotion around us as we let all our anger out on each other. He hated me and I hated him. It was only a matter of time. Several people got elbows to the face when they tried to pull me off him. I could hear Selena yelling at me but I didn't care. I wanted him to bleed. I wanted his outside to match my insides. Without warning I felt a strong set of arms wrap around my waist and pull me off Justin. It was Matt. He shoved me against the wall and shoved a finger in my face.

"Stay!" He warned.

I stood there panting as my hand throbbed. I felt a slow steady drip coming from my eyebrow. I reached up and just like I'd suspected, the piercing was ripped out. I glanced over at Selena and she looked completely shocked. I watched as Justin was helped to his feet.

"You're fucking done Torres." He spat at me.

"Fuck off." I responded. "Pussy." I added as Matt led him away from me.

"Who are you?" Selena asked as her voice cracked.

"I fucking warned you Selena! This is exactly why you're never gonna be with me. Do you get it now?" I snapped as I grabbed a bottle of Jack and went outback. "Go help your little boyfriend." I adde as I walked away.

I found Joe and Nick sitting by the pool so I joined them. The took one look at me and starting laughing.

"Fuck you guys." I mumbled.

"Dude, jealousy looks terrible on you!" Joe said as he continued to laugh. "You need Jesus." He added.

"You're gonna fucking meet Jesus here very shortly if you don't close your damn mouth." I warned as I took a long drink from the bottle of whiskey.

"Did you fuck him up?" Nick asked.

"Yup. Along with numerous other things..." I said sighing.

"Well, shit Dem. I'm sorry to hear that." He said patting my back.

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway. It was never gonna happen."

I spent the rest of the night drinking with Joe and Nick. I figured I'd eventually forget about her, I just wasn't sure when. Until then, I'd drink her away.


	10. If I Lose Myself Tonight

**A/N: Here's another update. Thank you guys for reading. You're gonna notice a bit of a change in Demi in this chapter. You're also going to find out about a couple of things that you may or not find douchey. It's ok. That's the point. Anyway, if you've started to not like her that's a good thing. It means you're smart. She's going to get worse. Enjoy! :)**

I knew this was going to happen. I fucking knew it. I hadn't talked to her in almost a week. I didn't really want to anyway. Lucky for me, the feeling was mutual. She was beyond pissed. Whatever, not my problem. She went from letting me fuck her to hanging all over some dude in a twenty four hour span. It was all a little too slutty for my taste, but who am I to judge.

I learned something interesting about myself, I really liked heroin. It made me feel fucking invincible and super relaxed. I couldn't get enough of the shit. I had started to use it on a regular basis, at least once a day. It wasn't the same as the first time I pushed it into my veins, but it did the job. The only problem was when I came down, I felt twice as miserable than when I used it in the first place. It was an easy fix though, nothing a needle couldn't solve.

By the time Friday rolled around, I was still high as fuck. When my doorbell rang, I was slightly surprised. I had no idea who it was since I wasn't expecting any visitors. At first, I wasn't going to answer it but curiousity got the best of me. I was glad when that I decided to open the door. It was Miley. She was always a guaranteed good time.

"Hey baby." She smiled as I opened the door.

"I was wondering when you'd come over." I said as I returned the smile.

"Let's fuck." She said softly as she pushed me against the wall. "I'll make you forget all about that bitch." She breathed before her lips collided with mine.

Sex with Miley was a simple thing. We used each other to blow off steam. Nothing more, nothing less. She and Nick had been together for a while and he was just to noble and virtuous to do the kind of things to her that she wanted. Not me though. I'd fuck her until she couldn't walk right. I did not care. There was nothing to it but that. No love, nothing. Just completely unattached sex. We got off on each other and it worked for us.

As we laid on my bedroom floor, I couldn't help but laugh. She looked at me like I was crazy, then without a word she got up and went to take a shower. I was curious how she planned on explaining the rug burn to Nick. I pushed myself up off the floor and checked my work phone. I had five deliveries tonight. I tossed the phone onto my bed and joined Miley in the shower.

"You wanna hang out tonight?" She asked as she scrubbed my back.

"I can't. I have to work." I explained.

"Fucking lame." She sighed.

"How is everything with Nick?" I asked as I shampooed my hair.

"It's good actually. I think I love him Dem." She smiled.

"I'm happy for you." I said returning the smile.

Once we finished showering and dressing, Miley hugged me goodbye and I gathered up everything I needed to make the deliveries. I drove around making my rounds and I laughed when I realized who my last delivery was. I was certain he'd be excited to see me. I parked across the street and walked toward his house. I stopped when I saw her through the window. I tried to move but I couldn't. To make matters worse, she noticed me. She looked slightly alarmed to see me standing out in the middle of Justin's street. I watched as she disappeared and walked outside. I was hoping I didn't look as panicked as I felt.

"What are you doing here?" She asked slowly as she crossed her arms across her chest. I noticed she kept a little distance between us.

"I umm, wanted to come apologize." I lied. I internally scolded myself. Lying had become way to easy for me.

"How did you know I was here?" She asked.

"I didn't. I came here for him, not you. I didn't rearrange your face last week over a girl that I had no business getting involved with in the first place."

"What is going on with you?" She asked clearly frustrated. "I've practically thrown myself at you and you don't want me, but the second I show interest in someone who returns it, you lose your damn mind."

"I don't really know what you want me to say." I mumbled.

"How about you start by saying something that makes sense. I'm sick of all your vague, bullshit non answers." She sighed.

"What are you even doing here?" I asked attempting to change the subject.

She let out a humorless laugh. "Figures. You know what? I don't have time for this shit." She said as she pushed her fingers through her hair. "I'm here because I felt bad. I felt bad because I used him to make you jealous and clearly it worked. I came to apologize just like you." She snapped.

"Selena..."

"No. I don't want to hear it. You can talk to me when you're ready to be open and honest. This hurts too much." She said as her voice cracked. "I can't be around you." She added.

"You know I'm not gonna chase you right? If you walk away right now, that's it." I said as her eyes met mine.

"Thats your mistake Demi. I promise you, I'm worth chasing." She said sadly as she walked away.

I watched her as she left. She didn't look back and I didn't expect her to. Honestly, this was for the best anyway. The burdens I carried were too great to place on her shoulders. I didn't want to weigh her down with all my imperfections. I knew I was breaking her heart, but with time that would heal. I walked up to Justin's door and pressed the door bell. To day he was shocked when he opened the door would be an understatement.

"What the fuck do you want?" He asked angrily.

"You're the one who wants something. I've got your coke dumb ass." I snapped back.

"You have got to be kidding me." He sighed.

"Do I look like I'm laughing?"

"Fuck this." He grumbled as he attempted to slam the door in my face.

I stuck my foot in the way before the door could close. "Not so fast. My time isn't fucking free. You're gonna pay me one way or the other. I don't care if its in cash or blood. I'm not leaving until I get it." I threatened.

He swallowed and opened the door so I could step through. "Wait here." He said as he ran upstairs. When he returned he had his wallet. He pulled out several twenty's and handed them to me.

"Here's the cocaine buddy!" I said sarcastically as I tossed him the sack containing the white powder. "You tell anyone about this, and I'll fucking kill you." I said as I revealed the gun shoved in the waistband of my jeans.

"I won't." He said with a shaky voice.

"Good." I stated as I left the house.

"Hey Demi!" He called out to me as I walked toward my car.

"I asked her out. She came here to tell me no." He said as I continued walking.

"I don't care dude." I said as I opened my car door. I watched as he walked closer and stood on the sidewalk in front of his house.

"She said she was in love with someone else. I asked her who and she said it was you. Just so you know, when you fuck it up, because we both know you will, I'm gonna be there and I'm gonna take her from you." He said loudly as I lowered myself into my car.

I slammed the car door and gave him the finger as I drove off. I really fucking hated that guy. As I drove my chest started to feel heavy and my heart felt like it was climbing out of my throat. Whatever Selena and I had between us was never going to happen. It was over before it even started. I refused to drag her into my madness. My heart literally felt like it was lodged in my throat. The more I tried to ignore it, the worse it got.

I pulled over as tears stung at my eyes. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. It suddenly occurred I me that Selena was probably feeling the exact same way that I was. All of this pointless. We were already paying the price for what our foolish hearts wanted. This entire situation was pointless. I slammed my fists into the steering wheel a couple times then grabbed my phone. I sent Nick a text and waited for him to respond. I needed to talk to him. He would help me figure this out. Thankfully he responded immediately.

Once I arrived at his house, I walked in without knocking and headed straight for his room. I found him sitting in a bean bag chair playing Call Of Duty.

"We need to talk." I said as I plopped down next to him. He continued to play the game as I started to tell him what was on my mind.

It surprised me how easy it was to tell him everything. The drugs, the medication, Selena, all of it. He listened and didn't interrupt once. We sat in silence for a few moments as he attempted to process what I told him.

"So, you're a depressed, bi-polar, drug dealer that's in love with a girl that's completely oblivious to how terrible you actually are." He stated slowly.

"You left out the part about me being a fucking junkie." I sighed. "But yeah, that's pretty much it."

"And I thought I had problems." He said frowning.

"I don't want to let her go. It hurts to much. I fucking love her Nick."

"Then let her go Dem. You can't possibly give her what she needs." He said softly.

"What if I can?" I asked seriously. "I've managed I hide all of this from everyone. The only reason you know is because I told you."

"So you're gonna lie to her?" He questioned.

"No. I'm just going to conveniently leave out certain things."

"That's still lying." He stated.

"Are you gonna help me or not?" I asked.

"Help you what?"

"Figure this out!" I said annoyed. "I need to fix this."

"Demi, you're a mess." He said shaking his head. "Your secret is safe with me, but I can't get involved. She's a nice girl. You've got nothing but heartache to offer her. I can't Dem."

I let out a frustrated sigh and picked up one of his guitars. Without warning my fingers began to pluck and move over the strings playing a beautiful melody. I immediately started to sing along. Nick dropped the playstation controller and grabbed a note book. He started to scribble down each and very word I sang. An hour later, we had written a song. I knew exactly what I was going to do with it. It was for her anyway. She wanted to hear me sing, I'd give her what she wanted.

I pulled into the driveway of my house and turned off the ignition. Before I could open my car door, Taylor called.

"Hello." I said into the receiver.

"Get your ass over to my house right now!" She said her tone anything but friendly.

"Tay..."

"No! Now Torres!" She yelled before hanging up.

I arrived at her house and sat in my car for several minutes before I found the courage to face her. I had no idea what I was walking into. Had Nick already betrayed me? I quickly pushed that thought from mind. He wouldn't do that. It probably had something to do with Selena, but who knows. Taylor was kind of crazy sometimes and I didn't want to make any assumptions.

Once I found the intestinal fortitude I get out of my car, I knocked on her door and waited. For what, I don't know. When she answered the door, she glared at me. I sighed as I stepped into the house. Toward what I was certain would be my untimely demise. I followed her into her bedroom and jumped slightly as she slammed the door behind us.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked in attack mode.

"Doing what Tay?" I asked defensively.

"Fucking with Selena!" She yelled. "It's bullshit Demetria and you know it!"

"Ok. Whoa." I said holding up my hands. "First of all, don't call me that. Second, I'm not fucking with her." I said using air quotes as I said the word fucking.

"She called me in tears Demi." Taylor shot back. "You're a fucking moron!" She yelled.

"Tay. I'm gonna fix it." I said using a softer tone. "I know I fucked up. I'm an asshole. I'm gonna fix it." I said desperately trying to calm her down.

"I don't even know why this had I happen in the first place." She stated, still slightly angry. "She laid everything on the line for you."

"I don't want to hurt her." I said nearly whispering.

"Too late Demi!" She grumbled. "I really just don't understand you." She said shaking her head. He looked completely disappointed.

"I promise you, I'm gonna make this right." I said as I held back tears.

"You might be too late Demi." She said sadly.

"Not if she loves me Taylor. Not yet. I still have a chance."

I spent the rest of the weekend completely high and nervous. It was actually quite horrible. When Monday morning finally arrived, I was a nervous wreck. I grabbed my guitar and headed to school. I had no way of knowing how this was going to pan out, I just knew I had to do it. I needed her and it didn't matter if I didn't have my shit together. I'd figure it out somehow. I sat through my classes and stared blankly ahead. It took me almost the entire day to finally work up the courage to do it. As I walked toward her fifth period class, my heart was pounding in my chest. As soon as I walked through the door I immediately started strumming my guitar. When her eyes found mine everyone else just faded away. She was all I could see. I took a deep breath and I sang to her.

_Before I fall too fast  
Kiss me quick but make it last_  
_So I can see how badly this will hurt me when you say goodbye  
Keep it sweet, keep it slow  
Let the future pass and don't let go  
But tonight I could fall too soon into this beautiful moonlight_

_But you're so hypnotizing  
You've got me laughing while I sing  
You've got me smiling in my sleep  
And I can see this unraveling  
Your love is where I'm falling  
But please don't catch me..._

See this heart won't settle down  
Like a child running scared from a clown  
I'm terrified of what you do  
My stomach screams just when I look at you

Run far away so I can breathe  
Even though you're far from suffocating me  
I can't set my hopes too high  
'Cause every "Hello" ends with a "Goodbye"

But you're so hypnotizing  
You've got me laughing while I sing

_You've got me smiling in my sleep  
And I can see this unraveling  
Your love is where I'm falling  
But please don't catch me..._

So now you see why I'm scared  
I can't open up my heart without a care  
But here I go, It's what I feel  
And for the first time in my life I know it's real

But you're so hypnotizing  
You've got me laughing while I sing  
You've got me smiling in my sleep  
And I can see this unraveling  
Your love is where I'm falling  
So please don't catch me

If this is love please don't break me  
I'm giving up so just catch me

When I finished singing, I could see the tears that slipped down her cheeks. I knew in that moment she had surrendered. I didn't lose her. She stood up and walked toward me. Everyone sat in silence and watched as I pushed the guitar onto my back. As soon as she was close enough for me to touch, I pulled her close and connected our lips. I could taste the saltiness from the tears she had shed. It was that moment I knew it wouldn't be last time I made her cry.


	11. I Don't Like The Drugs

**A/N: This chapter isn't the best but it's a necessary piece of the story. As always thank you for reading. It's also a short update. Enjoy the somewhat calm of this chapter. It's gonna be rough from here on out. Leave me a review. You know you want to...**

A week later I found myself at a random strip club downtown. My questionable line of work gave me access to places like this.Tonight I was here to discuss growing my drug trade. I gave my name to the bouncer and he immediately brought me inside. The music was loud, I could feel the bass thumping in my chest. I followed him to an upstairs balcony area. It was clearly the VIP section. He led me to a large table in the back. I rolled my eyes when I saw who was there.

"Why does this keep happening?" I asked, sounding as bitchy as I possible could.

"Relax." Justin smirked. "I want to work out our differences. I think we could be beneficial to each other." He said calmly. "Just hear me out."

"Fine." I sighed. "Move." I said to Za as I pushed him out of the chair and sat down.

"Ow! What the fuck!" He exclaimed as he pushed himself back up onto his feet.

"You really are an asshole." Justin mumbled.

"Let's get this over with." I said leaning back. "Speak."

"We want in." He stated.

"No." I stated quickly."Not gonna happen."

"You have access to a supplier. We have access to a massive list of clients. It's good business Demi."

"Are you fucking brain dead?" I asked slightly shocked. "I don't like you."

"Look, my dad owns this club. We can operate out of here and the risk will be minimal. You wanna keep your work away from your personal life right? Consider this office space." He smiled.

He had a point. I didn't exactly want to be stashing drugs at home.

"How do I know I can trust you?" I said narrowing my eyes.

"You don't. It's a risk you're gonna have to take." He shrugged.

"I need to think about it." I said as I noticed several girls heading toward our table.

"Fair enough. In the meantime, lets party. It's on the house." He smiled.

As soon as the girls arrived a dark haired girl with tattoos and piercings sat in my lap. She leaned in and lightly nibbled my ear. She was hot as fuck.

"I'm all yours tonight." She said as she ran her finger down my chin.

I responded by kissing her.

It didn't take long for the alcohol and cocaine to start flowing. My nose had somewhat healed so I made up for lost time. I loved cocaine. We drank and partied until we couldn't walk straight. The entire time I had various girls crawling all over me.

"Come on." The dark haired stripper whispered in my ear. "Let's go someplace more private."

I nodded and she pulled me out of the chair and led me down a narrow hallway. She opened a door and we went into what I can only assume was an office. I immediately pushed everything off the desk and lifted the dancer up, placing her on its smooth surface. I connected our lips as she wrapped her legs around my waist.

"I'm gonna fuck you until you can't think straight." I mumbled.

"I hope so." She whispered as she proceeded to bite my bottom lip.

I should have stopped but I didn't. I fucked the stripper until we were both exhausted. As I pulled on my clothes, I didn't even feel guilty. I already had an explainantion for the scratches she left on my back. If I was lucky Selena wouldn't even ask. This was exactly why I didn't do relationships. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her though. Hopefully I could keep all my indiscretions away from her. This place was like a playground for debauchery.

"I never got your name." I smirked as I tied my shoes.

"Does it matter?" She asked with a playful smile.

"No." I laughed.

"Lola." She answered.

I rolled my eyes. "Ok."

She pulled me in for one last kiss. I walked out of the office smelling like sex and a stripper I didn't even know. I made my way back over to Justin's table. I extended my hand and he grasped it in his.

"You've got yourself a deal." I said shaking his hand firmly.

"That's what I'm talking about!" He said excitedly as the rest of his entourage cheered. "Let's drink."

I drank with Justin and his crew until the sun came up. We went from hating each other to kind of being friends. It was very strange.

As I walked out the front door of the club, my eyes nearly fell out of my head. It was far too bright. I pulled my aviators out of my jacket pocket and quickly put them on. They alleviated some of the brightness. I stumbled over to my mustang and crawled into the backseat. I was exhausted. It was a matter of minutes before I passed out.

I woke up feeling like complete shit. I groaned and checked the time on my cellphone. It was noon. I sat up slowly and opened the door. I stepped outside and stretched before climbing into the front seat and driving home. As soon as I got home I went upstairs and showered. I finished getting dressed and decided to quiet my stomach since it was practically screaming at me.

"Do I even want to know?" My dad asked as I walked into the kitchen.

"Probably not." I smiled.

"How have you been kiddo? I haven't seen you much lately." He said as I opened the fridge.

"I'm good dad." I smiled as I searched for something easy to make.

"How about we have dinner tonight?" He asked. "I'll cook."

"That's sounds perfect." I smiled. "Can I invite someone?" I asked.

"It depends on who." He teased.

"My girlfriend."

"Oh?" He said curiously. "What's her name?"

"Selena." I grinned.

He nodded. "Not bad. Not bad at all." He said slightly impressed. "She was pretty from what I remembered. Tell her to be here by five."

"Thanks!" I said giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before running upstairs to my room.

I grabbed my cellphone and noticed I had a text from Miley. I opened it up and smiled. She sent me a picture of herself fresh out of the shower dripping wet and naked. It was a nice angle. As I looked at the picture, it suddenly occurred to me that I should password lock my phone. This is the kind of shit that I don't want Selena finding especially now that we were together. I quickly changed some of my phone settings. Once I was satisfied with the level of privacy, I sent Selena a text.

**1:30pm: Dinner w/me and my dad?**

**1:32pm: YES**

**1:32pm: Be here at 5**

**1:33pm: Ok. I love you.**

**1:36pm: U 2**

I was slightly weirded out by her declaration of love. I didn't really want to say it back. I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable. I preferred to keep my heart protected, it was better that way. I had no desire to rveal myself to her. I really was a bipolar mess. I didn't want her close but I pulled her in anyway. I Had the emotional capacity of a toddler. I was greedy as fuck and didn't care about anyone but me. I couldn't stand the thought of her with someone else so I pulled her close to me. I knew exactly how she felt and I manipulated those feelings. Its not like I didn't love her, because I did. I just couldn't be what she needed me to be. I couldn't give her that part of me. I could play the part though. Hopefully it would be enough.

She arrived fifteen minutes before five. I opened the door and smiled. She looked absolutely beautiful. I pulled her into my arms and gave her a lingering kiss. She blushed when we parted. I laced our fingers together as I led her into the dinning room. The table wa ready set an my dad was sitting out all the prepared food. He made his specialty, fajitas.

"Dad. This is Selena." I said grinning proudly.

"Well hello there." He smiled "You certainly are a pretty little thing." He added as he wiped his hands in a towel before extending it to Selena. "I'm Eddie."

She took his hand and returned the smile. "It's nice I meet you."

"Go ahead and have a seat. Food is almost done." He instructed as be headed back into the kitchen.

I pulled a chair out and gestured for Selena to sit. She gave me a quick peck in the lips as she lowered herself onto the chair.

"Thanks for inviting me."

"Of course. I wanted to see you as well as introduce you to my dad." I said as I sat next to her.

"He seems nice." She said softly.

"He is." I agreed.

He came to the table carrying a sizzling skillet of chicken. "I hope you're hungry." He smiled.

"She is." I laughed.

Selena simply raised an eyebrow at me as my dad placed some of the still sizzling meat onto her plate. Once very one was served we all fell into easy conversation. It was interesting to watch Selena and my dad interact. They seemed to get along quite well.

"Tell me about yourself." He said to her.

"Well..." She trailed off.

"I'm sorry." My dad laughed. "I didn't mean to make you feel awkward. How about you start by telling my how you and Demi met."

"Taylor introduced us." She stated. "She actually came at me with horribly cheesy pick up lines within minutes of being introduced. She was rude."

"Oh come on!" I exclaimed.

"That definitely sounds like Demi." My dad said as he shook his head. "I promise you I raised her better!"

"She ended up being a sweet heart though." Selena said softly.

"What are your plans when you graduate?"

"I'm going to study at SDSU actually. I wanted to stay local. I already got accepted into their arts program. I love to paint and dance. I'm not sure what I'm going to do after college, I just know I want to experience as much as I can before I decide. I don't want any regrets." Selena explained with a shy smile.

"That's actually a very well thought out plan." My dad said, clearly impressed.

I sat and watched as they continued to talk and get to know each other. I could tell they had a lot in common. I couldn't help but smile at the ease they had with each other. By the time dinner ended, my dad was playing guitar and Selena was singing along. They were the best of buddies. I knew from the moment I met her she was the kind of the girl you brought home to your parents. She was perfect and I was simply an asshole. I spent most of my time sexting Miley while Selena hung out with my dad. She had no clue what I was doing. She would smile at me occasionally and I would sometimes sing along. This was a terrible way to begin a relationship. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I had no plans to stop anytime soon though. I was just getting started.


	12. The Downward Spiral

**A/N: Here ya go. Have fun. Bye.**

As we ran down the dark alley I felt winded and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I could hear the sirens approaching in the distance. It was always like this, especially lately. After graduation I opted not to accept my basketball scholarship. Justin and I had been making a lot of money dealing. We continued to push drugs and we eventually ended up living together. A few months ago I ended up overdosing on heroin, luckily Justin was home and he was able to get me to the hospital. I ended up moving out shortly after. Throughout all of this, Selena and I continued to see each other. She was my faithful and beautiful girlfriend. I was a mess.

I kept the drug use hidden from her. It actually wasn't too hard. Lately it's been getting worse though. I can't function without being high. I started shooting up between my toes to prevent visible track marks from forming on my arms. She was incredibly busy with school so we didn't see each over often. I was grateful, it made it easier to keep my life hidden from her. I had started to lose a noticeable amount of weight. I made a mental note to eat more often.

When we made it to the van we jumped in as Za pressed down the gas pedal and sped off. We had to retaliate against a gang that stole from us. It didn't end well for them. I pulled the black mask up over my face an took off the leather gloves.

"We need to dump this shit." Justin panted. "Demi, your gun has to go."

I nodded. "I know." I could still feel the warmth from firing it moments before.

We pulled up to a bridge that crossed over one of the coves. We dumped all the masks and the gun into a bag and tossed it in the water. Once we were certain it sank, we drove off and headed to the club. We needed to lay low for a while. I had already been arrested twice for felony possession with intent to distribute. I didn't exactly have a lot of wiggle room with the law. I'd probably be looking at time the next time I got arrested.

We arrived at the club a short time later. We didn't stop and all to anyone. We went directly upstairs into the office and we collapsed on the couches. Within minutes several of the girls brought in some drinks and our usual mountain of cocaine.

"That was a close one." Justin sighed.

"No shit. Next time we won't be so lucky." I snapped.

"Chill!" He said slightly annoyed. "We handled it. Those punk ass bitches won't be showing their faces around here anytime soon. You smoked 'em Dem!"

"Don't call me that." I grumbled.

"You need to lighten up." He said, his tone serious.

"How about you pull the fucking trigger next time then!" I yelled as I stood up.

"Dem, chill." I heard Za say as I glared at Justin. "You handled it. It's over. Move on."

"Yeah. No shit." I said sarcastically.

Like clockwork, Lola showed up with my usual. 2 ecstasy tablets and four lines of coke. She sat them down in from of me and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

"Get me a vodka red bull baby." I said before she sat down.

"Of course." She smiled seductively as she walked away.

"Your side bitch is fine as hell!" Za laughed.

"Selena's still hotter." I said as I leaned back against the couch cushions.

"Yeah, but she's dumb as hell. How the fuck is she not gonna know you're creeping around all the time?" He asked.

"If you ever talk about her like that again, I'll cut your fucking dick off and feed it to you." I warned. "Are we clear?"

"Crystal." He swallowed, slightly deflated.

"I made it a double." Lola informed me as she handed me my drink and sat in my lap.

"That's my girl." I smirked.

I watched as she picked up one of the pills and placed it on her tongue. She pressed her lips to mine and I could feel the tablet as she pressed it against my tongue with hers. I brought my drink to my lips and downed the entire thing. She handed me a straw and leaned forward and snorted each of the lines of coke she had cut me. I didn't need a pill to make me numb. I could kill it all away just like this.

It was late by the time I decided to go home. I had bought a house about three months ago. Selena had moved in with me about a month ago. We were still adjusting to living together. I stopped at Justin's to take a quick shower. I couldn't go home smelling like pussy and booze. I don't think Selena would approve.

When I walked in the door, she was still up. She was wearing glasses and her face was illuminated by her laptop screen. The constant clicking of the keyboard told me she was typing. She glanced up and gave me a small smile before returning to her work.

"Hey babe." I said yawning. The room was slightly spinning so I sat down.

"It's late." She stated. "How was work?" She asked as she continued to type.

"Same shit different day. How was school?"

"Exhausting. I have a ten page paper due tomorrow and I'm not even halfway done." She sighed. "Your hair is wet." She stated as she abruptly stopped typing. "Why?"

"I uh, stopped Justin's and took a shower. I felt gross. It was a physically exhausting day. I worked up a sweat."

She shrugged. "Makes sense I guess." She said as she resumed typing.

"I'm gonna go to bed baby. I love you." I said as I stood up. I walked over and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

"Night baby. I'll join you in a while." She said softly. She pulled me in and pressed her lips against mine. "I missed you..." She whispered.

"I missed you to."

I walked into the bathroom brushed my teeth, then made my way into the bedroom. I collapsed on the bed and immediately fell asleep. I woke up several hours later to find Selena draped across me. I brought my hand up and stroked her hair as I stared at the ceiling. She deserved so much better than me. She was the perfect girlfriend.

I laid there and continued to let my mind wander. I felt Selena stir and I wrapped my arms around her tighter.

"I know you're awake." She rasped. "What's troubling you baby?"

"I don't know." I sighed. "I'm just tired."

"Then sleep silly." She said softly.

"Are you happy Sel?" I asked.

I felt her lift her head so she could make eye contact. "Of course I'm happy Demi. Why are you asking me this?" She asked sounding slightly worried.

"I'm just making sure."

She responded by kissing me softly on the lips. "Go to sleep baby." She said as she laid her head on my chest.

I woke up the next morning alone. Selena had class in the morning. I was used to starting the day without her anyway. I cooked up some heroin and got ready to inject it into my body. Breakfast of champions. I forced myself to eat, even though I wasn't hungry and headed for the strip club. As soon as I arrived I could tell that something was up.

"What's goin on?" I asked Twist as I walked upstairs toward the office.

"Justin is on a good one right now. He's all hulked out and destroying shit." He explained as we climbed. "He slapped Lola around pretty good.

"He what?" I asked slightly alarmed. "Where is she?"

"She's downstairs with the other girls." He said slowly.

I stopped and headed back downstairs. "I wanna see her." I said angrily as I walked toward the dressing room.

I saw her as soon as I walked through the door. "Demi don't..." She said her tone pleading. "It was an accident."

"I'm about to show him a fucking accident." I growd as I stormed out of the room and ran upstairs.

I could hear him screaming and smashing shit in the office. I walked in and he had completely demolished the place.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS IT!" He screamed as he yanked open the safe.

"Justin! I'm gonna fuck you up!" I yelled at the clearly panicked boy.

"The fucking money is gone Demi! It's all fucking gone!" He said frantically as he panted and ran his hands through his hair.

"What do you mean it's gone? We got it back last night." I said slowly.

"It's not fucking here Demi. It's gone. Do I need to spell it out for you." He snapped back.

"Holy shit." I said covering my mouth. "They're gonna fucking kill me. Holy shit."

"You've gotta talk to Zach." Justin said as he kneeled down and buried his face in his hands.

"How does two hundred and fifty thousand dollars just fucking disappear?" I asked.

"I don't know. " He mumbled.

"We have to deliver that money in a hour..." I trailed off.

Justin shook his head. "It's impossible. We're done."

"Za! Twist!" I yelled. "Start cleaning this place up." I instructed. "You too." I said pointing at Justin. "I'm gonna go and try to buy us time. When I get back, were gonna talk about Lola..."

I was nervous when I approached the old warehouse. I knew why they wanted o meet out here. It was isolated and pretty much abandoned. This meeting was only going to end one way. Maybe it was better that way anyway. At least then I'd be put out out of my misery. I opened the rusted door and stepped into the dingy building.

"Demi." Zach said gruffly. "I'm so glad to see you. I hear there's been a bit of a problem."

I was stopped by two rather large men. They patted me down and took my gun.

"I need a favor." I said as I approached Zach.

"Not gonna happen. You know how this works." He said as he signaled the two men.

They grabbed me and held me firmly in the grasp. Each of them had one of my arms. My legs gave out as I felt Zach's fist slam into my stomach. He followed it with a knee to my face. I could fast the coppery blood as it spilled into my mouth. I spit it out and lifted my head to look at him.

"You hit like a girl." I breathed.

He immediately struck me with his fist. After several more blows I started laughing.

"Shut up!" He hissed.

"This is so cliche." I laughed.

"We want the money Demi." He stated grimly.

"I don't have it."

"Who does?"

"I don't know. I need time to figure it out."

"Time is something you don't have. Tie her to the chair." He instructed his henchmen.

They yanked me over to an old wood chair and slammed me into its seat. They wrapped duct tape around my wrists and ankles. My face and ribcage were throbbing. I knew I didn't look too pretty. To say I was afraid would be an understatement.

"We made a business investment in you Demi. Losses are not good for business. Do you see the predicament?" He asked as he picked up a power drill.

"Someone stole the fucking money Zach! There wasn't anything we could do about it.!" I snapped as he walked closer.

"Rumor has it, someone stole it twice. Do you want to know what that tells me? Too bad I'm going to tell you anyway, it tells me that your're careless and inexperienced. You need a fucking reality check!" He screamed in my face.

I swallowed as he pulled the trigger on the drill. The mechanical whirring sound made my throat go dry.

"Please, I'll find it..." I choked out.

He didn't respond instead he slammed the drill bit into my hand and drilled clear through it. I screamed the entire time. It was excrutiating. My head snapped to the side as he backhanded me. He pulled the drill out of my hand and I screamed all over again. I could see my flesh stuck to the bit. I wanted to vomit. He walked away and tossed the drill onto the workbench and picked up a knife.

"Get it over with." I panted. "Kill me. You're not gonna get your money that way."

"I'm not going to kill you. I'm merely reminding you what happens when you fuck up our business arrangement." He sneered.

My left eye had swollen shut and I was having difficulty focusing. My lip was busted open and my hand was bleeding profusely. I was hoping to pass out before things got worse. I watched as he raised his arm up and slammed the knife into my thigh. I screamed out in pain. He punched my ribcage several times before grabbing a handful of my hair and connecting his hand with my face. My head hung limply as I struggled to breath.

"Do you know what happens to women in our line of work? Do you know what we do to them?" He asked, his voice low and menacing.

I responded by spitting in his face. "Get it over with." I coughed. "I probably won't feel a thing. Something tells me your dick is small."

He laughed. "Not you. As we speak I have three men on their way to your house. I understand that you have a beautiful companion that lives there, yes?"

I immediately started struggling against my restraints. "You son of bitch! Stay the fuck away from her! I swear to god!"

"Ah. That hit a nerve. Everytime you look into her eyes, remember this conversation. What's about to happen to her is your fault. You have two days to get the money, otherwise next time she won't live."

I screamed and struggled against the restraints. After several moments I felt the tape being cut away. I tried to stand and fight but I immediately collapsed. I couldn't save her. I heard their footfalls as they left me laying there bleeding and broken. I rolled over and winced as the knife bumped into the concrete floor. I took several deep breaths and pulled it out of my leg. That was last thing I remembered before it all went black.


	13. The Hardest Part

**A/N: From this point forward this story is going to be dark, violent and generally evil. Demi's character has sort of taken on a life of her own. I don't even know how to even explain air at this point. Thank you all for reading. Hopefully I haven't lost you. Leave a review. I'd love to know how this story makes you feel. It simply stresses me out and I'm writing it! Also, please excuse any errors. I'm too lazy to edit right now.**

I woke up in the hospital. Someone found me passed out in my car. I had run off the road and crashed into a ditch. I don't even remember driving. I only remembered Zach leaving me on the cold concrete unable to get to Selena.

I felt sick to my stomach as I rode the elevator to the ICU unit. The clock was ticking and I still had no clue how I was going to repay that money. My mind was racing. I had to get a grip. I had to see her. I had to see with my own two eyes what they had done to her. It was my fault after all. I deserved the pain. I deserved to suffer.

She looked so small and battered as I looked at her through the glass window. I could see her father sitting by her bedside holding her hand. She didn't deserve any of this. Zach used her to show me that he was in control. He brutalized her to teach me a lesson. He took away her security to remind me that I had none. My blood boiled as I looked her. I would make him pay. I would have my revenge.

I took one last look at her before I left. I couldn't face her right now. I was slightly high from the painkillers and I looked just as bad as she did. She was sedated anyway. I winced as I limped my way down the hospital corridor. My entire body was completely fucked up. My leg was throbbing and walking was extremely difficult. I pulled out my phone and called Justin.

"Hello." He answered.

"I need you to pick me up. I'm at the hospital." I said softly.

"Holy fucking shit! We thought you were dead."

"I'm not that lucky." I stated grimly.

"I'm on my way." He said quickly before hanging up.

He arrived shortly after I hung up the phone. He helped me into his car and drove us both to the strip club. We had a lot to talk about.

"Selena's in the hospital." I said as my voice shook.

"What happened." Justin asked as his brow furrowed in concern.

"She was...attacked to teach me a lesson." I seethed.

"Are you ok?" He asked the concern evident in his voice.

"I'm fine." I answered through gritted teeth.

"We have to come up with that fucking money."

"I have an idea." He said with a smirk.

"What?" I asked.

"We're gonna rob an armored truck."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked clearly annoyed. "There's no way."

"We have no other option. I came up with a good plan Dem. it will work. We just gotta trust each other." He said making eye contact.

He was right. We had to do something incredibly stupid if we hoped to come up with the money. I didn't have the time to figure out who stole it and I wasn't going to let anything else happen to Selena. I had to somehow keep her safe. I couldn't let her down again. I'd get the money or die trying. It was that simple.

"Fine. Lets hear it." I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.

I was actually quite impressed with his plan. It was well thought out and if it was executed perfectly, it would work. He'd clearly been working on it for a while now. He had every detail planned out. It just so happened that a truck would be making a pick up in the morning. The timing was perfect.

"Let's do it." I mumbled.

"I've got to grab a couple things and I'll be back soon." He said as he walked out the door.

I sat down on one of the couches and took a deep breath. I was exhausted and in a tremendous amount of pain. I had no idea how I was going to get through the upcoming job. My mind kept drifting back to Selena. The tears fell as her battered face invaded my conscience. It was my fault. I did that to her. There was nothing I could do or say that would ever make it right. What they did to her was horrifying. I got up and walked over to the recently purchased desk. I opened the top drawer and found exactly what I was looking for. I neede to numb the pain. My heart and body were causing me too much stress. I crushed several of the pills then snorted the chalky powder off of the desktop.

When Justin returned he had a large dufflebag containing the equipment we'd need. He passed out the masks and guns to Za, Twist, and me. I took the shotgun. We each had a role to play. Za was the getaway driver, Justin and I were the muscle, and Twist was the lookout. We went over the plan one last time before calling it a night.

I laid in the office alone in the dark staring at the ceiling. I should've went to the hospital, but I couldn't. I didn't even know what I would say to her. It didn't even matter anyway. If she was smart, she'd leave me. It wouldn't take her long to figure why this happened to her. Before I could lose myself further in my self loathing, my phone rang. I glance at the screen and frowned. It was her dad.

"Hello." I said into the receiver.

"Hey Demi. It's Brian. Do you have a minute?" He asked softly.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah. Of course."

"Selena is asking for you. She's upset. She needs you."

"I'm the last thing she needs right now." I sighed.

"Can you please come to the hospital. She's been crying for the past hour. Please?" He begged.

I glanced at the clock. I still had four hours until we were going to rob the truck. "I'll be there shortly."

When I retuned to the hospital I felt slightly panicked. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to see her. Seeing her like that hurt me more than anything ever could. I walked slowly down the sterile corridor toward her room. I was not mentally prepared for this. I wasn't strong enough for this. I stopped and looked through the window. A look of shock passed over Brian's face when he saw me. He immediately got up and headed toward me.

"Demi what happened to you?" He asked.

"Car accident." I lied.

"This has been terrible night." He mumbled. "She's in a lot of pain right now. I'll give you both some privacy." He added before walking away.

I willed myself to step into her room. It damn near killed me. She turned her head toward me and I could see the look of confusion, then concern that flooded her dark brown eyes.

"What happened?" She rasped as I pulled the chair closer and sat down. Her hand reached out and touched my face.

"Car accident." I lied once again. "Look at you." I choked as I pressed my lips to her bruised and scraped knuckles.

"I'm sorry." She whispered as the tears began to fall down her cheeks. "I tried to fight..."

"Shhhh." I interrupted. "No baby. This isn't your fault."

"I tried to get away." She cried. "They were just too strong..."

I stood up and leaned in closer to her. I lightly traced a finger across her swollen and busted lips. She had a cut above her eye and her cheek was swollen. I could see what looked like fingerprints on her throat. I didn't even want to see what was underneath the hospital gown.

"I'm so sorry." I croaked as I let the tears fall. "I should have been there."

"Can you please just hold me?" She asked as her voice cracked.

I nodded and she shifted slightly to make room on the small hospital bed. She slowly rolled to her side as I slipped behind her. I could hear her hiss in pain as she settled herself against me. I carefully wrapped my arms around her as she held onto my hands.

"Don't leave me." She whispered.

"I won't." I said as I kissed her temple. "I won't."

She fell asleep a short time later. I held her in my arms and every second made me feel more guilt. She was broken and I didn't think I'd be able to pick up all the pieces. I was hardly whole myself. I carefully untangled myself from her and left her room. I found her dad sitting in the waiting room.

"She's asleep." I said as I limped toward him.

"Are you leaving?" He asked, slightly confused.

"Yeah." I answered.

"Why?"

"I've got some things I have to take of." I answerd slowly.

"More important than her?" He asked obviously annoyed. "That's messed up." He added shaking his head.

"I'll be back later." I responded as I walked away.

I made it back to the club with some time to spare. I headed into the locker room and took a long hot shower. I was hoping it would wash away some of my sins. By the time I finished showering, my entire body was throbbing again. I went back into the office and prepared to shoot up. I needed something strong. Once the heroin hit me I finished getting ready.

We drove toward the bank in complete silence. We pulled into the parking lot and parked the truck in the middle of the lot. We had thirty minutes until the truck would arrive to make a pick up. We waited patiently. Like clockwork, the truck arrived at the exact time it was scheduled. We waited for the guards to exit the vehicle. One guard headed inside the bank and the other stood at the rear door of the truck. As soon as the guard entered the bank, Twist signaled Justin. Justin slid a pipebomb under the parked truck. As soon as it detonated, the guard ran toward the blast. I walked toward the guard concealing the shotgun behind my leg.

Once I was close enough I brought the buttstock down against his temple and watched as he crumpled to the ground. I reached down and grabbed the keys and tossed them to Justin. He opened the truck door as I raised the shotgun and shot the guard inside the truck. Justin grabbed two large yellow bags of money as Za pulled up with the getaway van. We climbed in and left as we heard the sirens approaching in the distance. It took a total of six minutes to successfully execute the robbery.

We drove several miles out of town in order to dispose of the vehicle. We wiped it down and tossed all the masks and guns into the van before lighting it on fire. Once we were certain it was destroyed we left it to burn, and drove back to the club.

As we sat there staring at the pile of money, it was completely silent. We ended up with more money than we even knew what to do with. Once I was able to collect my bearings, I knew what I had to do. I wasn't going to be controlled anymore. I would be the one in control.

"Listen up." I said getting everyone's attention. "There's one more thing we need to do." I said my voice low and even.

"Are you serious? Look at all of this cash!" Justin laughed. "We're set."

"I'm not going to be a middleman anymore. We're going to severe ties with Zach. Permanently." I stated coldly.

"How exactly are we going to do that? I mean look what he did to you." Justin said with a frown.

"I'm going to fucking kill him." I shot back a little more loudly than I should have. "He's going to pay for what he's done." I snapped.

"Demi..."

"I'm not going to let him get away with having Selena beaten and raped. He's going to fucking die and I'm going to be the one to fucking make him dead. In fact, I want his whole goddamn family dead." I yelled.

"Then what?" Justin asked, his voice slightly higher than normal.

"This isn't up for discussion. You're either with me or against me. There is no in between." I stated firmly.

"I'm in." Za said quickly. "It ain't right what happened to her. Besides, I'm tired of being his little bitch. We can do this without him now that we have the money to invest."

"You know me. Ride or die homie." Twist smiled.

I nodded my thanks to both of them. "Justin?" I questioned.

"Fine." He sighed. "She better be fuckin worth it." He grumbled.

We spent the rest of the day separating and dividing the money. The entire time we waited for the cops to burst through the doors. They never came. Selena's dad called me several times but I ignored his calls until they stopped. We had arranged a drop off with Zach. We had a short window to prepare.

As predicted he wanted to meet at the warehouse where he drilled a hole through my hand and beat the shit out of me. I didn't mind. I had a surprise for him. I arrived at the old abandoned warehouse and found him standing out front with three other men. The anger I felt at the sight of him was overwhelming. I approached carrying a briefcase containing the money I owed.

"Something tells me you had something to do with that robbery earlier today." He smirked.

I didn't respond.

"Cat got your tongue?" He questioned.

I didn't respond.

I stopped five feet away and dropped the bag on the ground.

"Take a good look at my associates. The four of you have something in common." He sneered.

"I doubt it." I snapped.

"Allow me to explain." He said in a low menacing tone. "Like you, they've experienced your little girlfriend in a very intimate manner."

I immediately lunged. I heard several shots ring out as two of the men dropped to the ground. They didnt know I brought my own set of muscle. My shoulder collided with Zach causing him to fall to the ground. I pulled out a gun and shot the remaining body guard three times in the chest. I walked toward Zach and pressed the gun against his temple.

"This will not be over quickly. I will fucking break you!" I snarled through grit teeth.

Justin and Za approached and placed a set of handcuffs on Zach's wrists.

"I have a surprise you." I grinned. "You're not gonna like it." I said as we drug him into the warehouse.

Justin opened the cargo door and Twist drove the van into the building. Justin and Za sat Zach down in a chair and tied him down.

"Would you like to meet our special guest?" I asked loudly as I signaled for Justin to open the van doors.

Zach watched in horror as we removed a woman with a pillowcase over her head. We sat her in a chair across from him and duct taped her to the seat.

"Please don't." He begged.

"Oh, so you know who this is?" I asked sarcastically.

"I'll do anything." He continued. "Please."

"Yeah, unfortunately my sense of compassion went out the fucking door when you violated the one thing on this god forsaken planet that I fucking care about!" I screamed in his face. "Pull the pillowcase off." I ordered Justin.

He pulled the pillowcase off revealing a terrified blonde woman with her mouth taped shut.

"Take the tape off her mouth. I want him to hear her scream."

Justin carelessly ripped the tape of the woman's mouth causing her to cry out.

"Does this seem familiar to you?" I laughed as I picked up the drill. I noticed that my blood was still caked on the bit. "I'm not going to have her raped. Although I should. I'm just going to make you watch as I make her suffer and scream for your help. You're going to sit there unable to do anything. You're going to sit there and watch as she begs for you to make me stop." I whispered in his ear.

Without a word I started. I systematically and slowly caused her to scream in agony as he watched. After a while she eventually passed out from the shock and stress on her body. He screamed at me and begged me to stop the entire time. Needless to say I didn't listen.

"Open your eyes." I instructed. He shook his head no and started crying.

"Open your eyes and look at her." I said again. He still didn't do as I instructed.

"Open your fucking eyes and look at her!" I screamed as I yanked his head by his hair. "I said look at her!"

As soon a his eyes opened I leveled the gun on her head and pulled the trigger. His agonized scream filled the warehouse.

"Now that I have your attention, I think you owe me an apology." I said as I kneeled in front of him.

"Fuck you." He croaked.

"Yeah. I thought that's what you might say." I sighed. "I just want you to know, that I win." I said softly as I stood and gave Justin a nod.

Without a word he placed his gun to back of Zach's head and pulled the trigger.

We spent the rest of the afternoon dragging bodies into a hole. Once we had everyone gathered up, we doused their corpses with gasoline and lit them on fire. The stench was terrible. I watched the flames as they rose into the sky. It concerned me that I didn't feel anything. I killed three people today and I felt nothing but satisfaction. I had become a monster. I had reached an entirely new level of horrible. We cleaned up the warehouse and removed all traces of what had happened in its abandoned walls.

Once we finished, we loaded into the van and drove away.

"What now?" Justin asked.

"We wait." I answered.

"For what?" He asked slightly confused.

"You'll see." I smiled.

It would be a matter of time before the cartel came looking for Zach. When they found him, they'd have questions. Until then, I had other matters to attend to. I didn't know it, but this was the beginning of my end.


	14. I'm Bad For You

**A/N: TRIGGER WARNING! (Self harm) Like seriously. Don't read it if you can't handle that kind of imagery. This is a super rough chapter and I am so sorry. Leave me a review. As always thank you for reading.**

It had been two months since Selena had been released from the hospital. It had also been almost two and half months since I buried a handful of people in a mass grave. So far the police hadn't come knocking. Selena's physical injuries had already healed. It was the psychological wounds that were a problem. The trauma that she endured had began to manifest itself in ways that I was ill equipped to deal with.

She couldn't be in the dark, and she couldn't be alone. These issues by themselves weren't a problem, it was what came with them. I noticed that physical contact had started to become a problem for her. She didn't like to be touched and she didn't like to feel like she was being restrained. She refused to go into the living room. Nighttime was the worst. She would have very vivid and terrifying nightmares. Everytime I woke her was another gut wrenching reminder of what had happened to her. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't even hold her to comfort her. Being in my arms made her feel trapped and it brought back painful memories that she couldn't escape. She was falling apart.

The guilt I carried was slowly eating away at me. How could I have let this happen to her? Everytime I looked at her, I could see it. She was shattered into a million pieces. Pieces that I would never be able to put back together. Every shard of what was left was too sharp for me to touch. No matter how many times I tried, she cut me over and over again. I was a prisoner to my guilt. It didn't matter how much I drank or how many pills I took. It didn't matter how many lines I did or many cc's I put into my veins. I couldn't silence that nagging little voice in my head. The voice that kept saying over and over, you did this to her, this was your fault.

I didn't know how to stop her crying. I didn't know how to help. I wanted to so badly. Instead, I ran. I was good at that. I'd leave her alone for hours at a time. If I wasnt around her, I couldn't see her pain. I'd go to the club and get completely destroyed. I tried to lose myself in other women. I stopped trying to hide it too. I wanted her to catch me. I wanted her to get angry. I wanted her to scream at me. I wanted her to hate me.

About a month ago I had bought the club from Justin's dad. I had more money than I knew what to do with since the truck robbery. It was currently being remodeled. I spent more time here with a fucking stripper than I did with my girlfriend. A girl that actually fucking needed me. She needed me to be strong for her. She needed me to help her heal. Instead here I was, snoring cocaine off of Lola's tits. What the fuck kind of name is Lola anyway? Probably not her real one. What the fuck was wrong with me?

It was late when I got back home. As I walked toward the front door I sighed. Every single light was on. I unlocked the door and walked inside. I was surprised to find Selena standing there waiting. She looked incredibly upset.

"Where were you?" She asked. I saw the hurt flicker in her eyes, like she already knew the answer.

"Out." I mumbled.

"With who?" She asked after taking a deep breath.

"It doesn't concern you." I said, my voice a low monotone.

"It doesn't concern me? Really?" She snapped. "Next time you spend the night fucking another girl, maybe you should make sure she doesn't smudge her fucking lipstick on your neck!" She yelled as she held back the tears that threatened to fall.

I reached up and sure enough, I could feel the slightly sticky remnants of what I had been up to earlier tonight. I didn't say anything. I didn't have to. She knew. If I opened my mouth it would just make it worse. I wasn't surprised when I felt the sharp sting of her palm connecting with my cheek. Without a word she walked into our bedroom and reemerged holding a pillow and blanket which she angrily threw on the couch. She walked away and headed toward the bedroom, before she entered the room I could hear her voice. It was low and emotionless.

"You might want to take a shower." She said as I heard the door to our room close.

I should have followed her into that room and beg for her forgiveness, but I didn't. Instead I opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking. It didn't take long for the self loathing to start. I needed a release. I wanted to somehow distract myself from the pain that I couldn't escape. Something on my arm caught my eye. A scar. It was small and I couldn't really remember how it got there. It was almost invisible, my tattoos made it hard to see. That little scar gave me an idea. I could distract myself from the emotional pain with physical pain. I could punish myself for everything that I've done. I could make my outsides match the inside.

I stumbled into the bathroom and started I search the through the drawers and cabinets. I knew we had some disposable razors somewhere. Once I located them I broke the plastic and pulled out the blade. I sat down on the floor and leaned my back up against the wall. Without hesitation I drug the blade across my wrist. I didn't really feel it. I did it again. Still nothing. I continued to make cuts up my entire arm pushing a little deeper each time. The sharp stinging sensation shot through me in waves. It didn't take long for the ache to wash over me. I was surprised at the amount of blood that had spilled from each carefully placed line. I was making a mess. The crimson red drops that painted the white ceramic tile fascinated me.

I sat there and watched the blood slowly ooze from my self inflicted wounds. Interestingly enough, it made me forget Selena. My mind focused on the pain that was now shooting up my entire arm. I was also slightly concerned at how light headed I was feeling. I couldn't tell if it was the alcohol, the drugs, or the blood loss.

I woke up the next morning to Selena frantically shaking me. She looked completely terrified and I was completely confused. When she realized I was awake, the confusion and fear was quickly replaced with anger.

"What did you do?" She asked as her voice cracked. "Why?"

"I added some color." I stated sarcastically.

Her face fell as she tried to hold back tears. "You can't do that Demi. You can't do this to me." She sobbed as she covered her mouth. "I can't...my heart can't take it."

I reached out to touch her and she pulled away. "You haven't asked me one time what happened." She said as the tears streamed down her face. "Not once." She swallowed. "Why?"

"I can't." I croaked. "Don't..."

"I was reading on the couch." She started.

"Selena. No." I said shaking my head.

"Shut up. You're gonna listen to me." She said as she angrily wiped at her face. "I need you to hear this."

I had no choice. This was the moment I was dreading. I wasn't sure if I would be able to take this.

"I heard the door open. I thought it was you. It wasn't though." She said softly as the tears continued to fall. "There were three of them. I tried to run but they had me trapped. I fought and screamed. It didn't matter they were so much stronger."

I watched as her face contorted in pain at the memory.

"I kept fighting as one of them held me down. The other two pulled my clothes off. Every time I tried to get away, one of them would hit me. Eventually I just stopped. I didn't want to make it worse. I just laid there." She said as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "It hurt so bad." She cried. "I was hoping they'd kill me."

As soon as she said that I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and started crying hysterically. We were both in a tremendous amount of pain, yet we refused to comfort each other. We sat there and cried separately.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry baby." I said as I continued to cry.

"I can't handle this." She said pointing at me angrily. "You can't just leave me here in this fucking house while you run around and do god knows what. I woke up this morning and I found you in here covered in blood." She said through the tears.

"I don't know what to do." I said weakly.

"I thought you were fucking dead!" She said angrily. "You have no right." She whispered.

She stood up and walked away. I thought about following her, but in the end I didn't. She came back a few moments later anyway carrying the first aid kit and a washcloth. She was still crying as she walked over to the sink and wet the washcloth. She kneeled down in front of me and softly pressed the wet rag against my wounds. I hissed at the pain. She was gentle as she cleaned each of the self inflicted cuts. Once she had cleaned all of the cuts thoroughly, she covered them in an antibiotic ointment and wrapped my arm in gauze. When she finished, she once again got up and left me sitting there. When she didn't return I got up to find her. I found her sitting at the kitchen table.

"I don't know you anymore Demi. I spend each night laying next to a stranger." She said sadly. "You stumble into our bed at night drunk, high and smelling like whatever girl you fucked before you decide to come home. I can't do this anymore and I won't."

She stood and waited for me to say something.

"Say something Demi. Change my mind. I'm going to leave you, do you understand that?" She choked out. "I'm leaving you."

I cleared my throat as I felt the salty tears slip down my cheeks. "Ok."

"That's it? Ok?" She questioned. She looked completely devastated. "You're not even going to fight for me?" She asked as she cried.

"No." I said softly. "I'm not."

She buried her face in her hands and started to cry harder. I didn't move. She took a deep breath and just as quickly as she started, she stopped crying. She wiped the remaining tears from her face and walked down the hallway to our bedroom. She reamerged wearing an oversized hoodie. Without a word, she grabbed the keys to her Tahoe and walked out the door. She didn't slam it, she closed it gently. I heard the engine as she started the SUV, then drove away. The silence was deafening. It surprised me that it didn't hurt. I thought that it would, but it didn't. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a beer then walked into the living room. I looked at the floor and an image of her pinned to the ground flashed in my mind. I sat down on the couch and turned on the tv. Selena just left me and I didn't try to stop her. I put the bottle to my lips and closed my eyes. It was over.


	15. Never Turn Back Now

**A/N: This is a very dark chapter. The end of this is very intense and it is actually based off of something that actually happened to me. The conversation and circumstances were a bit different, but that shit really happened. It's very intense and I apologize if it bums you out. With that being said, Demi's mental date haa completely unraveled and it's all kinda coming to a head. I'm hoping to wrap this story up soon. Im ready to move on. Thank you for reading and as always leave me a review.**

They say it gets worse before it gets better. I guess this is that moment for me. She'd been gone for almost a month and it finally hit me. She wasn't coming back. I walked around my empty house looking for something that reminded me of her. She took everything. Taylor and Nick had helped her move all of her stuff out. She didn't leave behind a single piece of herself.

I looked like complete shit. I hadn't been sleeping or eating. I did however manage to do copious amounts of drugs and drink myself into comas. I could hardly see straight as I made my way into the living room. It was completely trashed. I started to destroy this room piece by piece. It was a grim reminder of the moment that I lost Selena forever. The walls were full of holes. Pictures and furniture were broken and shattered into pieces. I had recently began to hack up the floor. I was able to release my pent up hostility by swinging an axe and destroying everything. It was better than the alternative.

In the months that followed I completely lost myself. I looked sick. I hardly ate. I was extremely paranoid and unpredictable. I had lost all my friends and I was even deeper into the drug business than before. Justin and I had been contacted by one of the Mexican drug cartels. We had been pushing cocaine out of Mexico for months now. The club was where we ran the entire smuggling operation.

"Demi, we have a problem." Justin said as he walked into the office.

I was so high I could barely talk. "Wha?" I slurred as I laid my head down on the desk.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Justin mumbled. "How long has she been like this?" He asked Za.

"All day man." He sighed.

"Demi!" He said pulling my head up off the desk. "Snap out if it!" He said slapping me hard several times in an effort to get me to respond.

I could feel the world starting to blur. I felt sleepy. I knew that I wasn't breathing, but for whatever reason I couldn't convince my lungs to inhale a breath. I could hear panicked voices as they realized what was happening. I was overdosing on heroin. With any luck I'd die. That was the last thing I remembered before I closed my eyes. It simply just didn't matter anymore, breathing was unimportant to me.

Waking up in the hospital was an extremely disappointing turn of events for me. I wanted to be dead. Why the fuck wasn't I dead? I sat up and winced as the tubes and wires pulled. I immediately yanked out the IV and stood up. I wanted out of here. As soon as I pulled it an annoying beeping sounded which caused several nurses to enter the room.

"Ma'am. We need you to sit down." One of them said as she walked closer to me.

I knocked over one of the monitors in protest. "Stay the fuck away from me!" I warned loudly.

"Notify security." She instructed one of the other nurses.

My mind was racing and I felt trapped. I had to get away. A soon as I bolted for the door she grabbed a hold of me. She was a lot stronger than she looked. I felt several sets of strong hands latch onto me as the security guards arrived. I started kicking and screaming. I sounded a lot like a wounded animal. I had to get away. I kept fighting until I felt a sharp stab and a warm sensation wash over me. They sedated me. They held me against the cold tile until my body relaxed. I couldn't fight even if I wanted to.

"Let me die..." I slurred as they lifted me up. "Please. I just...want to...die..." I trailed off.

I woke up again feeling hungover. I was still in the hospital only this time I was restrained. I couldn't move my arms or legs. I opened my eyes and I was surprised to see the uniformed officer at my door.

"How are you feeling?" A male voice asked.

I turned toward the voice and made eye contact with what I assumed was a doctor. "I'm fine." I sighed. "Can I please go now?"

"I'm afraid not. You've been placed on what we call a 5150 hold for the next 72 hours." He said with a frown.

"Fuck you." I said rolling my eyes.

"Do you know why you're here in the first place?" He asked ignoring my comment.

"Yes." I answered defiantly.

"I spoke with your father earlier today..."

"Well isn't that just fucking wonderful." I interrupted.

"You're not well Demi. We can help you. Your mental illness has made you this way."

"Fuck you." I said again as I stared at the ceiling. "I swear to you, the second you let me out of these restraints, I'll kill myself."

"Then you're going to stay in them until you change your mind. The medication should help with that." He responded calmly as he wrote on a notepad.

"I won't take a single goddamn pill." I shot back.

"You will. One way or the other." He stated, again he was calm.

"What's with the fucking cop?" I asked nervously.

"That I don't know. You'll have to ask the detectives once they come to speak with you." He answered softly.

I let out a long sigh as I stared at the ceiling. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew that my entire word was going to come crashing down on me. It had already started. I knew with absolute certainty that I wanted to die. I wanted nothing to do with this. I wanted to rip my skin off. It felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. I could feel the panic slowly starting to squeeze the last ounce of sanity from my being.

When the detectives walked in I could feel my palms start to sweat. They looked unsympathetic and indifferent to my current state.

"Ms. Torres?" A tall dark haired male asked.

I nodded. "Yes." I croaked.

"I'm detective Slater and this is my partner detective Black. We'd like to ask you some questions."

"And if I refuse?" I asked.

He let out a humorless laugh. "I'm pretty sure you'll see things our way. I can come back with a warrant for your arrest, or you can cooperate now and save yourself some of the little dignity you're gonna have left. You and I both know the outcome of this otherwise." He stated in a low and serious tone. "Either way you're gonna be arrested. Make this easier on yourself and your family." He added.

I knew I had no choice. I had to get a grip. I had been acting out so much lately I had forgotten what it felt like to be in control. I took a couple deep breaths and willed my heart to slow down. I had to play the part. I had to convince them that I was willing to cooperate. I had to get out of this hospital. I had to get the chance to end this once and for all. I could pretend to be sane. I could do it.

"Ask away." I said as calm as I possibly could.

"Are you familiar with Zachary Stevens?" He asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"Are you aware that he's been missing for almost a year?" He asked.

"No I was not. We lost touch." I lied.

"Interesting. I have a witness that states you buried his burnt corpse out in the abandoned warehouse district early last year." He stated smugly.

I sighed. "Let's cut the bullshit." I said looking him in the eye. "Who told you that?" I asked.

"We exercised a raid on your club yesterday. Not only did we find a shit ton of illegal narcotics, guns, and money, but we managed to pick up some of your associates. Those associates were eager to give us all kinds of info." He smiled.

As I stared into the detectives eyes, I knew he wasn't bluffing. Justin was always a friend of convenience. I wasn't surprised he ratted me out. This reason and this reason alone is why I kept all the bigger information to myself. The things I knew would save me from a lifetime in prison. I just had to give up the cartel. That in itself was an instant death sentence, but I wasn't worried about the end result.

"We'll be back once you're 5150 hold expires. Anything you say right now is useless." He said as he and his silent partner stood.

"What if I change my mind?" I asked as he walked away.

"You won't." He responded without looking back.

I spent the next couple of days on my best behavior. I took the medication and kept my emotions in check. I was simply biding my time until the opportunity to end it all presented itself. I had become obsessed with the thought of dying. The thought of nothingness was comforting to me. I needed to silence the demons in my head once and for all. I didn't care what it cost, I was willing to pay the price.

It's amazing what you can hide when you put your mind to it. Once I was reevaluated, I got cleared easily. It didn't take the detectives very long to contact me. I scheduled an appointment I had no intention of going to go and checked out of the hospital. I got a cab home and walked into my empty house. I went straight to the freezer and pulled out the bottle of vodka. I wanted to be as incoherent as possible. I took several long gulps and grimaced as the the clear liquid burned my throat.

Several hours later I was completely gone. I was so busy drinking and doing as many drugs as I could possibly get my hands on, that I forgot what I was intending to do. I did several more lines of cocaine and waited for the adrenaline rush to kick in. When it finally hit me I started to tear apart the house room by room. I punched walls, kicked in furniture, tore down pictures, I literally destroyed everything. I was so preoccupied with my rage that I don't notice her as she walked into the house.

"Demi!" She yelled with a horrified look on her face. "What are you doing!?"

"Get the fuck away from me!" I yelled as I stumbled toward her.

She backed away. "Why are you doing this?" She asked sounding hurt. "Why do you hurt yourself like this?"

"Fuck you Taylor!" I screamed. "You don't care about me! You don't care about any of this shit! You left me a long time ago! Remember that?!" I yelled as I pointed my finger toward her angrily.

"Demi. Stop. I need you to stop. Please?" She begged. "Listen to me. I love you with all my heart. I know that somewhere inside this angry, lost person is my Demi. Please, If you ever cared about me, your dad, Selena..."

"Don't fucking say her name to me!" I screamed. "Don't you fucking dare!"

"Listen to me." She said softly as she stepped closer. "You're hurting. I know that you carry around so much guilt. The weight of that guilt is destroying you. Let me help you Dem. Please. I am begging you."

"Don't." I warned. "Stay away from me." I said as I backed up.

She continued to talk to me but I stopped listening. I noticed a bottle sitting on one of the end tables I hadn't yet destroyed. I picked it up and broke it creating a jagged edge. I watched as Taylor's mouth continued to move. I didn't register a single word. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I raised the jagged end of the bottle and held it against my neck. I pushed the glass into my throat and I slashed from left to right. Instinctively I let the bottle go and clutched at the wound. My hands became wet and sticky as my blood spilled out of the gaping wound. I could hear a strangled gurgling sound as I collapsed to the floor. I forced myself to let go of the wound and just lay there. I couldn't tell if Taylor was screaming or if my ears were just ringing. Either way it was all gonna end soon.


End file.
